How My Experiences Prepared Me For A Bipolar Marriage

Jane and I have been married for almost 18 years. We have had more than our fair share of arguments and hurt feelings. When her bipolar disorder takes over, things go to a whole new level. I try remind myself that it's her disorder talking. This is not always easy for me to do. Biting my tongue is second nature. I learned it from when I was kid.

I have had a pretty crazy and abusive childhood. When I was ten years old my parents divorced. I was the oldest child. This meant that I was expected to help watch over my younger sister. We spent a lot of time alone without anyone to look after us. In the past this was normal, but in today's world it would be considered as child neglect.

Taking care of my sister was not easy. She was developmentally challenged. She would say things that were inappropriate and offend people. My job was to keep her out of trouble. I think that my experience as my sister's keeper made me very protective over my family and I developed a little bit of a hero complex by taking care of her.

In my teenage years I went through some dark times. I was more than my mother could handle. We fought constantly and made the mutual decision that I would no longer live at home. I spent lots of time bouncing from one place to another. I was essentially homeless. 

My freshman year in high school I dropped out of school. I struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. I was forced into a chemical dependency program. I was non-compliant and I left.

After my sixteenth birthday I moved in with my father. While staying at a friend's house for the weekend my dad came by to drop off some of my things. He told me that he was going on vacation. When the visit at my friend's house was over, I went home. The house was empty. He had moved without telling me. I never saw him again.

A couple months later, I moved across the state to move back in with my mother and stepfather. They had recently moved near Seattle. Living with them gave me a chance for a new start. I entered into a substance abuse recovery program and started going back to church. I went back to school. I found good support in my community. 

After high school, I served a mission. I spent the next two years volunteering to help other people. I taught people about the gospel of Jesus Christ. I also helped them to find employment and human services support in their community. The opportunity to serve others was a great experience for me. My past taught me how to be compassionate to people in need and have the desire to help them. 

I believe that all my life's experiences, good or bad, have lessons for me. Even though I had rough parts in my life they prepared for being in a relationship with someone like my wife, You have to be both loving and understanding if you are a caretaker for someone with bipolar disorder. Not everyone is cut out to deal with being married or in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness. It's hard work, I love my wife, and she is worth it.

I Bring Shame to the Family

The other day my mother approached me and told me to stop blogging. During a college abnormal psychology course I found out that I had bipolar disorder. Her logic was that since the class was over, I should stop talking about the past. This is her roundabout way of telling me to stop sharing that I have a mental illness with the world.

My mother has always told me that I brought shame to our family.


As a teen, I had anorexia and bulimia. My mother found out after I confided in a school counselor. I only admitted that I had an eating disorder because I passed out in class because I had not been eating. I also admitted that when I did eat, I would force myself to throw up. When my mother heard about it, she told me that I was wasting food that my parents spent their hard earned money to provide. My father was advised to take me to a hospital. I talked to the psychiatrist on duty. My weight was so low that he told me that he wanted a follow up visit a week later. If I stayed the same weight or lost any weight, I would be admitted to the hospital. My parents never took me back.

One night I attempted to commit suicide by swallowing an entire bottle of pills. I was not feeling well the next day. I confided in my school counselor of what I had done and she called my priest for help. My mother was angry. She claimed that I tarnished her standing as a member in the church.

When my mom found out that I was sexually active, she called me a slut. She was afraid of what our friends and neighbors would say about her if they found out. Before that, we never had any discussion about sexuality except for the fact that I needed to remain a virgin until my wedding night. 

My mother always made it sound like my actions would reflect negatively towards her. Her reputation was at stake. Why is her reputation more important than my well-being?

My mother thinks that my problems should stay a family secret and by not talking about it, it will disappear. She believes that I should stop blogging about my life and bipolar disorder because the world does not need to know about my problems. I am bringing shame to the family.

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My Wife and Her One Track Mind

Goal oriented behavior is one the characteristics that can be present in people with bipolar disorder. This can be beneficial in terms of deadlines or responsibilities. In the case of my wife, her focus can become remarkably specific that she becomes one-track minded. This behavior is associated with her manic episodes.

When Jane transitions from a depressive phase into a manic phase she will change from being unenthusiastic about anything to non-stop talking about her new, all important idea. The new project takes over her life. The rest of the family gets sidelined as she becomes obsessed with reaching her goal. For example, when she decides that the laundry needs to be washed she will work around the clock to get it done. As her manic cycle elevates, her need for sleep decreases. Sleep impedes her goal.

Most times I feel like the family is not as important as her project. When she gets heavily involved in her work, she enlists us to complete specific tasks to help her. We do our best to help but she becomes angry when it is not done to her satisfaction. This causes some conflict between the Jane (project manager) and the rest of the family (subordinates).

As she becomes closer to reaching her goal, her desire do things perfectly overwhelms her. When she comes to the realization that she will not meet her goal on schedule she becomes very irritable. Lack of sleep begins to wear her down. More often than not, she will lose interest in many of her projects before she finishes them and becomes obsessed with a new project. Her original project is abandoned. My wife has plenty of unfinished projects around our house. She says that she will get to them eventually. 

This last year, Jane's main focuses was to go to college and earn a degree. After over twenty years of being a stay at home mom, she felt that she needed to accomplish something for herself. Our seven children were at a point in their lives where they were no longer as dependant on her. She became a full time student while trying to be a wife and mother at the same time. Alone, any one of these roles are challenging. During her first quarter in school, we learned that she had bipolar disorder. Dealing with a newly diagnosed mental illness and the list of her already overwhelming tasks, many people may have decided to drop out of school. Jane refused to give up on her dream. She is NOT wired like that. 

Getting her degree quickly may have seemed like it would be an impossible thing to accomplish, but she graduated in record time. She completed four quarters taking difficult courses. The goal oriented nature of her disorder enabled her to succeed when others would have quit. This part of her disorder motivates her to get things done that might appear impossible. Without the goal oriented behavior of someone with bipolar disorder, she would not have had the focus needed to achieve her goal.

To Blog or Not to Blog

Managing a blog has been tough. It takes a lot of my time to put everything together. I don't mind spending the time to write my posts. My struggle is with knowing whether or not the information I choose to share is relevant. Which experiences should I share? What information would make the biggest difference in people's lives?

I try to make our blog different.

When my husband and I decided to start a blog, we wanted to create something that would set our blog apart from the other blogs that are available. We think that the thing that makes us special is that we blog as a team. This gives us the opportunity to give different perspectives on the same topic. 

After a couple months of blogging, I asked two of our children if they would like to contribute to our blog. One has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the other is going through psychological testing in order to see if she has the illness. We allow them to become guest bloggers when they are interested. The focus of our blog changed from "a married couple's point of view" to a "family's point of view".

I have a topic that I am passionate about.

I am passionate about the topic of bipolar disorder. In writing about a subject that I have strong feelings about, I can make my blog posts more compelling. I would like to think that my enthusiasm about the illness will allow others who are interested in the subject follow to our blog. 

My intent is to inform others about the bipolar disorder. I want to let others who have the disorder know that they are not alone. I want people to understand the illness.

I write about what I know.

I do not claim to be an expert about bipolar disorder. I write about my personal experiences with having the illness. I think I express myself better when I reveal my feelings in contrast to writing fact filled blogs. I write in my own voice.

I write for myself.

As much as I want to make a difference in the world of mental illness, in the end, I am writing for myself. Keeping a blog is like writing my own personal journal. Although my "journal" is public, I truly believe that others share my thoughts and feelings.

Writing also helps me learn more about myself. In order to keep my blog posts relevant, I continue to research the facts. This exercise helps me find new topics in which to write about.

I try not to worry about the numbers.

At times it has been discouraging. Is this blog worth the time I spend writing it? I am struggling with whether or not we are making a enough of a difference. I realize that I need to be patient and give our blog time to become established in order to see results. I will have to trust my original instincts and believe that what we are doing the right thing.

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Monitoring My Moods and My Husband's Assets

My psychologist recommended that I start a mood journal. Truthfully, I have not put much effort in the task. My journal remains practically empty. 

The way it is supposed to work is that I write down my emotions during a shift in my mood. After that, I am supposed to write about what I was doing prior to the onset of the feeling and what I did after the feeling started. Keeping track of this information, theoretically, is supposed to help me predict any patterns in my mood and how it affects my behavior. If I am feeling too high or too low, I can take steps to manage the symptoms that may occur with a depressive or manic phase. 

My problem is that I cannot figure out exactly how I feel. If I cannot pinpoint that important detail, how can my doctor know how to counsel me? The only feeling I observe in myself is, for lack of a better term, moody.

My psychologist also wants me to open up during therapy. UGH! I hate to seem like I am not in control of my emotions. Our first session was difficult. Our visits start with my cursory answer of, "Fine", when he asks how I am doing. If I do not open up to him soon, I may be in therapy forever. I once told him that if he wanted to know how I am feeling, he could read my blog instead and charge me by the hour. 

Talking about my feelings is not an easy for me. I am not a touchy-feely person. Public displays of affection make me uncomfortable. Unless, that is, you count grabbing my husband's rear end at the grocery store. A word of caution...make sure that the cheek you grab belongs to your significant other. Copping a feel of the buns of a stranger is awkward. I make sure to get a glimpse of my husband's face before I grasp his boo-tay. Sometimes, it is easy to mistake the identity of someone when you only see then from behind. Pun intended.

The funny thing is that bipolar disorder is about emotions. Bipolar disorder deals with mood swings. Emotions and moods go hand in hand. Unless I am teetering towards depression or mania, I do not recognize what mood state I am experiencing. I will have to try harder to actually do my homework. I should be making the most of my sessions with my therapist; otherwise, when we are together I am wasting our time.

The creative part of my disorder is trying to find an easy way out of delving into my conscious and subconscious mind searching for the reason that I am feeling whatever I am feeling at the time I am feeling it. I need to figure it out soon or my psychologist will have nothing to work with during our next therapy appointment. Maybe the next time I see him, I could start with discussing my obsession with my husband's butt and we can move on from there.

Where Are You When I Need You the Most?

I have bipolar disorder. That is not secret. There are times when I am angry. Other times I am sad. I have extreme mood swings that are subdued by psychiatric medication. 

As I ponder the world around me, I think of all the people who behave like total jerks. They allow their temper to rise and shoot harsh words out of their mouths to total strangers. Some yell from afar. Others will stand inches from another person's face looking for a fight. These instances seem to be acceptable behaviors for some people. Some may say that it is just part of their explosive personality. If I were to display the same bad behavior, it would be frowned upon because I have bipolar disorder.

Then there are times that I am emotionally distressed. Please do not think that I do not care for people who are having a hard time. I can relate to them because I have low feelings as well. When other people cry out for help, they get sympathy and support. When I am in one of my bipolar depressions, some people think that I just need to get my crap together and get over it.

"Normal" people are allowed some slack. I feel that since I admitted that I have a mental illness; most people have turned their backs on me. People's behavior towards me has changed.

Don't get me wrong. I am not bitter. Maybe I am being sensitive. On the other hand, maybe I am insensitive. I guess it just depends on what side you are on. 

On facebook, people who are having a hard time get a lot of sympathy. Countless people will run to the aid of a troubled friend. Their posts get a large number of responses.

"I'm sorry that you are angry. Call me if you need to vent."

"So you are having a bad day? I am here for you. Let me know what I can do to help."

Is it my imagination or are people different around me? I appreciate the kind comments from the few people who are concerned about me but I often ask, "Where is my parade of caring people who are flooding my page with love and support?" I can just imagine the thoughts going through other people's heads.

"She has a mental illness. She is scary."

"I wonder if what she has is contagious." 

"I think her meds need to be adjusted."

I used to get a large number of sympathetic responses before I announced to the world that I had bipolar disorder. Why did I get attention when my problems were trivial? Now that I am dealing with a problem that is more serious, where did my support system go?

I am not the only one with a mental illness that has this problem. It is very common. It can be very lonely. It feels as if people like us have to tough it out alone. These people probably ask the same question of their friends and family that I do. 

Where are you when I need you the most?

I Don't Give Up

If you have been reading some of our more recent posts, you would see that we have been through a rough patch in our relationship lately. This is not new for us, but it is probably new for some of the people who have read our blog. 

We are working through this together. Despite what it may appear to be, our lives are not always full of roses and rainbows. We have real struggles just like everyone else. Her disorder makes our marriage challenging at times. Bipolar disorder affects our daily lives.

In her last blog post, my wife talked about her mood cycles and the harsh things she says while she was living in that moment. Her illness causes her to think irrationally and it affects her judgment. When this happens she can say some of the most hurtful things. I know that most times her attitude will change eventually. Sometimes it takes longer than others for this to happen.

There are many reasons that we go through this cycle often. She regularly forgets things. To her, we have had many déjà vu moments. Memory issues are common in someone who has bipolar disorder. 

We often repeat the same conversation because does not remember having the conversation in the first place. It's a lot like the movie 50 First Dates or Groundhog Day. Reliving a previous argument or the same conversations can be uncomfortable. Even though she does not always remember the details of our conversations, I know she remembers how it made her feel. It affects her mood at the time that these conversations are happening.

I try my best not to let it get to me. At times her words upset me and I get offended. After all the past experiences, I feel like I should know better by now. 

When I can recognize the direction the conversation is headed, I will try to lead us in a better direction than before. I try to avoid saying the things that would trigger her to become upset. There are times when I totally get it wrong and I end up making it worse. These times I feel like that it would have been better if I would not have said anything at all.

There are other times when I feel that it’s all I can do to contain my emotions. I try not to take what I hear personally. When I do, I become standoffish. I usually need to take a little time to recover. 

Getting upset just makes things harder. When she starts in on me I need to step back and let her vent. I wait out the storm. Her mood will change eventually. Understanding this takes some of the sting out of what she says. Being able to separate what is the real Jane and what is coming from her illness is something I am still trying to learn.

When she comes out of a bad mood phase of the disorder, I remind her that I am not going anywhere, I love her, and I am always going to be here for her. I am trying to support her efforts to get better. I am not going to give up on her. I am not easily broken. 

It Is No One's Fault But My Own

My marriage is in turmoil because of my disorder. My bipolar mood swings are too much to handle. I would be naive to think that anyone would have the strength to deal with the day to day challenges of having a relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder.

I let the worst of my disorder get the best of me. I say things that hurt those around me. It is hard for the people closest to me to recover from the pain that I inflict on them.

As much as I apologize, I can't guarantee that the same harsh words will not return. The cycle continues to play over and over again. I leave those in my wake feeling as if they had the wind knocked out of them. My words are poison. At the time, I mean exactly what I say. Later, I regret saying hateful things. I know that I can never take the words back. The hurt I inflict will stay for an eternity.

This time, I think that I have done irreparable damage to my relationship with my husband. I hurt the person who loves me the most and I am deeply saddened that I allow myself to do this time and time again. How many times do I have to repeat this vicious cycle until he finally breaks and decides that he has had enough?

I won't blame him when he leaves. I know with all my heart that he is better off without me.

The Monster Inside Me

For a few weeks, my husband has been part of a facebook support group for people who have a partner with bipolar disorder. This is the second time that he has been part of the group. He removed himself many months ago because he felt that it was a negative place. He recently joined again. This is not just any facebook group. In order to take part you need to "apply" and an administrator has to approve the membership.

My husband would talk about the facebook page almost every day. He would describe the posts in detail. We would discuss what he had read and how he responded to the posts. I complained that I did not like the fact that he was a member of the support group. I felt that it was made up of a bunch of women having a pity party because their bipolar spouses were a bunch of assholes. This group is made up mostly by women.

He would spend large amounts of time on the site reading posts from people with unhappy relationships. He identified with the group. He would try to give them encouragement. He would tell them his story. He would reply to the others with "been there, done that" responses.

He would tell me about some of the issues that these women were complaining about. He’d say that he felt sorry for these women and their circumstances. He felt that he was taking part of the group to inform and inspire these women. He wanted to educate them.

I would listen quietly most of the time. Every once in a while I would give my opinion. I would remind him that the women were complaining about typical bipolar behavior.

Why does it bother me that he would be involved in such a group? Honestly, I have to admit that part of it is jealousy. What wife would enjoy the fact that her husband is involved in a group made up of mostly women? What wife would appreciate her husband comforting these other women? What wife would approve of her husband sharing private feelings with other women that he does not share with his wife?

These women describe their husbands as useless pieces of crap. These women complain that their husbands have a temper and say hurtful things out of anger. I have been known to have my outbursts. These women complain that their spouses do not work. I do not have a job. These women complain that they have to hold down more than one job because their spouses do not contribute financially to the household. My husband works overtime in order for our family to make ends meet. These women complain that their spouses refuse to take medication in order to get their illness under control. I hate being forced to take medication because it is the “right” thing to do.

These women describe their bipolar spouses as monsters. 

I am a bipolar spouse. 

I am one of those monsters.

Diagnosing Bipolar Disorder

Several people have approached me in various ways with concerns about whether or not they could have bipolar disorder. I cannot give much advice other than to suggest that they check the symptoms on a reputable website. If after further research they still believe that they may have bipolar disorder, I encourage them to make an appointment with a mental health professional to get an official diagnosis. It is best if you arrive at the consultation with an understanding of bipolar disorder in order to know what questions you should ask.

Using diagnostic criteria, it is difficult to accurately diagnose bipolar disorder (Statistic Brain, 2014). Individuals with bipolar disorder will be misdiagnosed at least 70% of the time (Depression and Bipolar SupportAlliance, n.d.). Individuals with the disorder can spend up to ten years coping with symptoms before getting an accurate diagnosis. Of those people, only 25% will receive a right diagnosis in less than three years.

In the medical setting, studies suggest that 10-25% of individuals diagnosed with unipolar depression may have bipolar disorder (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, n.d.). A higher incidence is found in the psychiatric setting. Due to the fact that patients are more likely to seek professional help during periods of bipolar depression, these individuals are often diagnosed with unipolar depression. Incorrect treatment for bipolar disorder can lead to drug therapy that can cause negative effects in people with bipolar disorder.  For example, antidepressants can worsen symptoms of bipolar disorder, possibly causing a manic episode. 

Mood disorders are classified into two separate categories, unipolar and bipolar disorders (University of Maryland Medical Center, n.d.). Although they are both considered to be mood disorders, they are different illnesses. It is necessary to have both depressive and manic phases in order to have bipolar disorder. Individuals who experience unipolar disorder exhibit depressive symptoms, but never experience the highs of mania. A person with bipolar disorder experiences mood swings between the lows of depression and the highs of mania with normal periods of mood in between. Bipolar disorder is divided into two main subtypes. Bipolar I is the most extreme type compared to Bipolar II which is less severe. 

(Hubpages, 2012)

People without bipolar disorder do not exhibit the exaggerated mood swings associated with the illness (National Alliance of Mental Illness, 2008). The moods of these individuals remain relatively stable within the normal range. People who have undiagnosed bipolar disorder may believe that they have occasional episodes of depression. They do not realize that the period of time when they are not exhibiting the symptoms of depression, there is the possibility that they may actually be experiencing the normal stage of mood between depression and mania or be in a manic stage. 

When I stepped into a psychiatrist office for a consultation, one of the first things that I mentioned to her was that I believed that I had bipolar disorder. She was able to ask me questions specific to the disorder to evaluate whether or not I was right. Some people tell me that because of my knowledge about the disorder and its symptoms I might have inadvertently given the doctor the answers that she wanted to hear, therefore, I received the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. In my case, I do not believe that is true.

Shedding Light on Bipolar Disorder

As I sit in my bedroom writing this blog, I am looking out my bedroom window. The sun is shining with all its glory from the sky above. Fall has arrived and I know that soon the dreary days of winter in the Pacific Northwest will bring overcast skies and an abundance of rain. The weather has a huge impact on my mood. 

Each year I expect to feel a bit of depression during the colder, darker months. The constant rain during these seasons in Western Washington makes it less appealing to spend time outside. I have less energy. I find that I am most comfortable snuggled in bed reading or watching movies. 

During the spring and summer months I wake up early. I get more things accomplished. Increased energy gives me more desire to spend time outside walking around in the sunshine. Our family takes part in more outdoor activities because of the warmer weather. 

My psychologist advises that I should get as much natural light as possible, especially during the months when there are less hours of sun available. He recommends that I wake up at the same time every morning. He also suggests that getting regular doses of light earlier in the day is better in order to take advantage of the limited amount of sunlight during fall and winter. Even when it is overcast, spending time outdoors is still beneficial.

Depressive symptoms in individuals with bipolar disorder can be predicted by looking at a calendar (Daily Health Report, 2011). When the weather shifts from days filled with light into days with longer periods of darkness, depression may occur. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) happens during the fall and winter months. Seasonal depression is more common in the northern region of the world.

The change of the seasons from winter to spring can influence moods of people in the opposite direction (Pendulum.org, 2005). With the introduction of more sunshine, a person experiences an increase of energy and elevation of mood. The behavior of individuals with bipolar disorder may change to mania. The upswing of moods may lead to high-risk behavior. A higher rate of suicide may occur as the mood shifts upward. It is theorized that the increase of energy may allow someone with bipolar disorder to have the mental strength to put their suicidal thoughts into action.

I realize that people with mood disorders are not the only ones that experience changes in mood during the transition of the seasons. In my case, I have to pay attention to how the weather affects me because it plays a large role in my behavior. Individuals with bipolar disorder can have more extreme mood shifts, therefore, making them more susceptible for erratic behavior.

Before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I took the advice to get more sunshine during the winter months for granted. I considered it to be a general guideline for everyone. Now that I know that it is crucial for me to get enough light in order to regulate my moods, I am more apt to follow the advice.

Asking for Help

A couple of days ago I wrote a blog about how I wanted to commit suicide. Over the past two days I had some time to think about my feelings. I also had a chance to speak to my psychiatrist. He saw me the day that I had the urge to take my life and I also had a follow-up appointment with him the next morning.

Since then I have had time to reflect on the situation. Yes, I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in the moment of despair, you are not thinking clearly enough to consider the ramifications of death. Killing yourself seems like the only option. The only problem is that while I was considering suicide, I was not in a desperate state. Instead, the thought of suicide crept into my mind out of nowhere. I had the details worked out in my mind: What, when, where, and how I was going to do it. Yet I did not have a reason why.

At the time that I wrote my original post, I thought that it was necessary to get my feelings published. I wanted to post a snapshot of that particular moment in time. I wanted to share my raw emotions. Obviously, since I am writing this blog post, I did not kill myself. 

Due to the fact that I did not make an actual attempt, I have had second thoughts about my decision to make my suicidal feelings public. After a few hours passed I wrote on facebook. "Sometimes, I wish that I would have kept my mouth shut and suffered in silence." A good friend reminded me about the reason why I started writing my blog. I wanted to inform others about bipolar disorder. I think we are making an impact. People have said that we have taught them things that would never have considered. Others have said that they can relate to our words. We have been told that we are brave for sharing our experiences. My psychiatrist said that our blogs could save someone's life. That is all very flattering. 

My psychiatrist and I discussed putting together a safety plan for the next time I have suicidal thoughts. I was told that I needed to post it in different areas of my home to remind myself of what I need to do. If I follow the plan, hopefully, I will have changed my mind about ending my life before I got to the end of the list. I have to fill out the plan with detailed information. I need to fill in the list with actions, names, phone numbers, and locations. What am I going to do to make myself feel better? Who am I going to talk to if I still feel suicidal? If the first two things do not work out, where else do I go for help? 

************

Safety Plan

1.   Comforting Actions

Watch a movie

Write a blog

Take a walk

2.   People To Reach Out To

Friends

Family

Neighbors

3.   Crisis

Find places to go

      (visit a friend, public place, or store)

Call a crisis hotline

Call 911

Go to the emergency room before attempting suicide
      (call an ambulance or walk if necessary)

************

I go back to my psychiatrist in a month. By then I need to have my list ready for review. It will also give us a chance to follow up on my suicidal feelings.

Tomorrow I see my psychologist. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to say. "The other day I wanted to kill myself...I changed my mind...I am fine now." He probably won't accept that explanation.

Help!

I am experiencing a major setback today. I have been feeling down for the last few days and have not been able to shake it off. I have always had dark thoughts running through the back of my mind as long as I can remember. I usually have the ability pull myself out of these dark places, but not today. It pains me to admit this to the world, but I feel the need to be honest. Bipolar disorder is serious business. Although our blog posts are positive most of the time, there are times when the ugly parts of it have to be highlighted.

Right now, I am suicidal. My husband stayed home from work today to keep an eye on me. Like I said previously, in the past I have been able to push these thoughts away. I'd think, "Where did that crazy thought come from?" I would talk some sense into myself and move on like nothing had happened. This time it is different. I actually planned my demise in precise detail. Not good. With the exception of my teenage years, I haven't done that before.

Before I admitted to my husband that I was having suicidal thoughts, I asked him to lock up my meds before he left for work. Overdose. I was going to wait until all the kids where off to school. He was going to leave for work but I told him that I needed him to stay home with me today. I needed someone to keep me from doing something that I know is irrational.

I have been irritable, moody, and all I have wanted to do for the past few weeks is sleep all day. My children started school earlier this month. I graduated with an associate degree from my local community college in the spring. I have alone time. No kids running around the house. No more tight schedules of homework, studying, projects, and exams in college. Now I have too much time to think. Without those distractions, I have more time to hear the voices of the ugly monsters inside me. I try not to listen to what they say. It is hard.

My husband called my doctors' office. I have not done anything to myself yet. I don't think I need someone to bring me to the emergency room. Until the office calls back after talking with my psychiatrist and psychologist, I am just waiting. As of now, I am concentrating on life one minute at a time. I am breathing trying to stay calm and hold back my tears. I am fighting the urge to have a mental breakdown.

I believe that many people with depression suffer in silence. That makes it difficult for the outside world to find the answers as to why someone would choose to end their life. They may feel that they never saw the signs; to them, it may appear as if the individual committed suicide for no apparent reason. I don't know what is wrong with me...I just know that there is something wrong and I have to do something about it.

One in five people with bipolar disorder commit suicide. I need to take my feelings seriously. I do not want to be a statistic.

Link to Update

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

It's been a little over a year since my wife Jane has received her diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I know that my insight into her disorder and her compliance with treatment has improved our relationship. Even though things are better we still struggle. We have come a long way but it is still a work in progress.

In trying to understand this illness I have spent a great deal of time interacting with online support groups for people with a bipolar partner. Every case of bipolar disorder is different. I can relate to many of the problems that other people are facing within the bipolar support community. I have read many comments from angry and frustrated people. This is because their partner usually made poor decisions that caused damage to their relationship. In my opinion, the people who struggle the most are those who have not researched the disorder. They do not truly understand what they are dealing with.

I have seen many people on online support groups advise others to end a relationship. While I can sympathize with their frustration, it seems to me that many people think that because the person they are with has a mental health issue and they do not like their behavior, they have a valid reason to leave. This idea really bothers me. Would it be fair to leave a person because they had cancer or another physical illness? Just because you cannot see a mental disorder, does it make it different than a physical one? I believe the decision to leave someone just because they are ill is wrong; whether it be mental or physical. 

There are things that be can be done to make life less stressful for people who are involved in a bipolar relationship. When Jane is in a bad mood I try to avoid pushing her buttons but there are times where I fail miserably. Even with medication, her bipolar attitude will show up in a conversation. She will say things that are very hurtful. I try to set my feelings aside and choose to not take offense to what she says to me.

There are many challenges within any relationship. When you are fighting with someone who has a mental illness, you are dealing with the symptoms of the disorder, not the individual. When I get frustrated with my wife, I have to remind myself that she did not choose to have bipolar disorder and I should not blame her for it. While being a supportive is partner is important, I feel that there are specific behaviors that are non-negotiable. Regardless of whether or not a mental illness is present, in situations where a partner is violent, abusive, or unfaithful it is not acceptable. The person involved with someone who displays these behaviors need to set their boundaries. If their partner refuses to change, they should leave the relationship.

In my opinion, positive changes in the relationship will not happen until the person with bipolar disorder is stable. This is attained by adherence to medication and therapy. If these circumstances are not met things will not change. You are fighting a losing battle.

I Hate Myself

I hate myself. I hate that I need to rely on medication in order to be "just like everyone else". I hate the fact that there is a "new" me, that I have to be "normal".  Most of all, I hate that I have bipolar disorder and I have to control it.

I had an appointment with my psychologist yesterday. He made mention that with all I have going on in my life; I look as if I am "pulled together". What I didn’t tell him is that behind the closed doors of my mind, I am not as in control as I look on the outside. I struggle. I long for the feelings and behaviors associated with the manic aspect of bipolar disorder.

I miss the feeling of euphoria found in the simplest of pleasures. I loved the feeling of the breeze against my body. I would throw my arms in the air, spread my fingers as far as they could, and twirl around in delight. With my eyes closed, I would lean my head back, my face pointing toward the sky, and feel the glorious warmth of the sun on my body. I would inhale the fresh air and smell the fragrance of the flowers. Although I know that my experiences with such things were exaggerated, to me they were invigorating.

I used to be impulsive. I would say what I wanted. People who knew me would chalk it up to my personality. To me, my comments were mind blowing revelations. To others, it was probably crazy talk. It did not matter.

Grandiosity; that one word evokes excitement for me. There were times when I thought I could do anything. Be anything. The world was mine. I believed that I had the ability to achieve anything I wanted, I couldn’t be held back. I would follow my wildest aspirations. I could soar to the brightest star. I felt invincible. Nothing could go wrong. Nothing could stop me, not even reality.

Others allowed themselves to be held back by conventional wisdom, I had the ability to think beyond the limitations placed by the world. I was innovative. I would come up with ideas that I perceived to be brilliant. I had the innate power to accomplish tasks that no one in their right mind would attempt. I did not have time to sleep. My drive was strong. I had to reach my goal at any cost; even if the cost was my sanity.

On the surface, my transition between bipolar madness and a life of normalcy is running smoothly. Behind the external façade, I am broken up inside. I miss the manic part of me. At times it feels like life is not worth living. The loss of the “gifts” that I am forced to leave behind tears me up inside. It was an important part of me.

Inside, I am trying to prevent the “crazy” in me from breaking through. I pretend to be fine with having a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. It takes every ounce of my being to stay composed so that everyone will think that I am coping with having my illness in a positive manner. I pretend to be fine. I can’t deny that I am only doing it because it is the right thing to do; I am expected to be responsible.

I hate that I have to lose the attributes that I have always loved. I hate what I am forced to become; something I am not. I hate myself.