The Monster Inside Me

For a few weeks, my husband has been part of a facebook support group for people who have a partner with bipolar disorder. This is the second time that he has been part of the group. He removed himself many months ago because he felt that it was a negative place. He recently joined again. This is not just any facebook group. In order to take part you need to "apply" and an administrator has to approve the membership.

My husband would talk about the facebook page almost every day. He would describe the posts in detail. We would discuss what he had read and how he responded to the posts. I complained that I did not like the fact that he was a member of the support group. I felt that it was made up of a bunch of women having a pity party because their bipolar spouses were a bunch of assholes. This group is made up mostly by women.

He would spend large amounts of time on the site reading posts from people with unhappy relationships. He identified with the group. He would try to give them encouragement. He would tell them his story. He would reply to the others with "been there, done that" responses.

He would tell me about some of the issues that these women were complaining about. He’d say that he felt sorry for these women and their circumstances. He felt that he was taking part of the group to inform and inspire these women. He wanted to educate them.

I would listen quietly most of the time. Every once in a while I would give my opinion. I would remind him that the women were complaining about typical bipolar behavior.

Why does it bother me that he would be involved in such a group? Honestly, I have to admit that part of it is jealousy. What wife would enjoy the fact that her husband is involved in a group made up of mostly women? What wife would appreciate her husband comforting these other women? What wife would approve of her husband sharing private feelings with other women that he does not share with his wife?

These women describe their husbands as useless pieces of crap. These women complain that their husbands have a temper and say hurtful things out of anger. I have been known to have my outbursts. These women complain that their spouses do not work. I do not have a job. These women complain that they have to hold down more than one job because their spouses do not contribute financially to the household. My husband works overtime in order for our family to make ends meet. These women complain that their spouses refuse to take medication in order to get their illness under control. I hate being forced to take medication because it is the “right” thing to do.

These women describe their bipolar spouses as monsters. 

I am a bipolar spouse. 

I am one of those monsters.