Since then I have had time to reflect on the situation. Yes, I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in the moment of despair, you are not thinking clearly enough to consider the ramifications of death. Killing yourself seems like the only option. The only problem is that while I was considering suicide, I was not in a desperate state. Instead, the thought of suicide crept into my mind out of nowhere. I had the details worked out in my mind: What, when, where, and how I was going to do it. Yet I did not have a reason why.
At the time that I wrote my original post, I thought that it was necessary to get my feelings published. I wanted to post a snapshot of that particular moment in time. I wanted to share my raw emotions. Obviously, since I am writing this blog post, I did not kill myself.
Due to the fact that I did not make an actual attempt, I have had second thoughts about my decision to make my suicidal feelings public. After a few hours passed I wrote on facebook. "Sometimes, I wish that I would have kept my mouth shut and suffered in silence." A good friend reminded me about the reason why I started writing my blog. I wanted to inform others about bipolar disorder. I think we are making an impact. People have said that we have taught them things that would never have considered. Others have said that they can relate to our words. We have been told that we are brave for sharing our experiences. My psychiatrist said that our blogs could save someone's life. That is all very flattering.
My psychiatrist and I discussed putting together a safety plan for the next time I have suicidal thoughts. I was told that I needed to post it in different areas of my home to remind myself of what I need to do. If I follow the plan, hopefully, I will have changed my mind about ending my life before I got to the end of the list. I have to fill out the plan with detailed information. I need to fill in the list with actions, names, phone numbers, and locations. What am I going to do to make myself feel better? Who am I going to talk to if I still feel suicidal? If the first two things do not work out, where else do I go for help?
(call an ambulance or walk if necessary)
Tomorrow I see my psychologist. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to say. "The other day I wanted to kill myself...I changed my mind...I am fine now." He probably won't accept that explanation.