Friday, October 10, 2014
Monitoring My Moods and My Husband's Assets
My psychologist recommended that I start a mood journal. Truthfully, I have not put much effort in the task. My journal remains practically empty.
The way it is supposed to work is that I write down my emotions during a shift in my mood. After that, I am supposed to write about what I was doing prior to the onset of the feeling and what I did after the feeling started. Keeping track of this information, theoretically, is supposed to help me predict any patterns in my mood and how it affects my behavior. If I am feeling too high or too low, I can take steps to manage the symptoms that may occur with a depressive or manic phase.
My problem is that I cannot figure out exactly how I feel. If I cannot pinpoint that important detail, how can my doctor know how to counsel me? The only feeling I observe in myself is, for lack of a better term, moody.
My psychologist also wants me to open up during therapy. UGH! I hate to seem like I am not in control of my emotions. Our first session was difficult. Our visits start with my cursory answer of, "Fine", when he asks how I am doing. If I do not open up to him soon, I may be in therapy forever. I once told him that if he wanted to know how I am feeling, he could read my blog instead and charge me by the hour.
Talking about my feelings is not an easy for me. I am not a touchy-feely person. Public displays of affection make me uncomfortable. Unless, that is, you count grabbing my husband's rear end at the grocery store. A word of caution...make sure that the cheek you grab belongs to your significant other. Copping a feel of the buns of a stranger is awkward. I make sure to get a glimpse of my husband's face before I grasp his boo-tay. Sometimes, it is easy to mistake the identity of someone when you only see then from behind. Pun intended.
The funny thing is that bipolar disorder is about emotions. Bipolar disorder deals with mood swings. Emotions and moods go hand in hand. Unless I am teetering towards depression or mania, I do not recognize what mood state I am experiencing. I will have to try harder to actually do my homework. I should be making the most of my sessions with my therapist; otherwise, when we are together I am wasting our time.
The creative part of my disorder is trying to find an easy way out of delving into my conscious and subconscious mind searching for the reason that I am feeling whatever I am feeling at the time I am feeling it. I need to figure it out soon or my psychologist will have nothing to work with during our next therapy appointment. Maybe the next time I see him, I could start with discussing my obsession with my husband's butt and we can move on from there.