Sunday, October 19, 2014
I Bring Shame to the Family
The other day my mother approached me and told me to stop blogging. During a college abnormal psychology course I found out that I had bipolar disorder. Her logic was that since the class was over, I should stop talking about the past. This is her roundabout way of telling me to stop sharing that I have a mental illness with the world.
My mother has always told me that I brought shame to our family.
As a teen, I had anorexia and bulimia. My mother found out after I confided in a school counselor. I only admitted that I had an eating disorder because I passed out in class because I had not been eating. I also admitted that when I did eat, I would force myself to throw up. When my mother heard about it, she told me that I was wasting food that my parents spent their hard earned money to provide. My father was advised to take me to a hospital. I talked to the psychiatrist on duty. My weight was so low that he told me that he wanted a follow up visit a week later. If I stayed the same weight or lost any weight, I would be admitted to the hospital. My parents never took me back.
One night I attempted to commit suicide by swallowing an entire bottle of pills. I was not feeling well the next day. I confided in my school counselor of what I had done and she called my priest for help. My mother was angry. She claimed that I tarnished her standing as a member in the church.
When my mom found out that I was sexually active, she called me a slut. She was afraid of what our friends and neighbors would say about her if they found out. Before that, we never had any discussion about sexuality except for the fact that I needed to remain a virgin until my wedding night.
My mother always made it sound like my actions would reflect negatively towards her. Her reputation was at stake. Why is her reputation more important than my well-being?
My mother thinks that my problems should stay a family secret and by not talking about it, it will disappear. She believes that I should stop blogging about my life and bipolar disorder because the world does not need to know about my problems. I am bringing shame to the family.
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