My Greatest Loss, My Son

Today, I lost my 14 year old son Jon to suicide. Try as I might, I cannot think of any reason as to why he would choose to end his life. He was always a happy child who would make people laugh with his crazy antics.

As I write this, I think of my previous blog posts where I discussed all my own disparities. The way I bitched, moaned, and complained about my experiences with bipolar disorder. I rambled on and on about my bouts of depression. I talked endlessly about how hard it was to see past the tunnel of darkness. 

 All those blogs seem trivial now. I was selfish in thinking that I was helping others by sharing my feelings about my disorder with the world. I did not take the time to look closer; at the people near me to know that they needed my help, too. 

All I thought about was my own pain and personal troubles. I was too blind to notice any signs that my son was having difficulties within his own life. I did not look beyond his smile to get a good look into his eyes to see if there was sadness hidden behind them.

As I sit here in the wee hours of the morning, I know that I probably will not get any sleep tonight. My heart is broken. My conscience feels guilty. My mind is full of questions as to what I could have done if I only knew what was going on in his mind.

My husband and older son discouraged me from looking at him at the location where he chose to end his life. It was sheer torture watching as they wheeled him to the coroners van. Just before they loaded him, they gave me a chance to see him. They unzipped the body bag just enough for me to view his face; probably to ensure that I could not see the injuries that he incurred during the last moments of his life. I stroked his cheek and touched his forehead. I leaned down to give him a kiss. He was cold. I told him that I loved him.

I do not know what I am supposed to do from here. I feel the greatest loss a mother can feel; the loss of a child. There is one thing I know for sure, life is precious and I will no longer take mine for granted.

I love you, Jonathan, I love you.