Sunday, January 18, 2015

Celebrating My Son's Life

Since I lost my son Jonathan to suicide last weekend I have had lots of time to think. I am overwhelmed with emotion. It has been difficult coming to the realization that he is gone and never coming back. 

I do not know what to do. I do not know what to say. I do not know how to feel. I do not know where to go from here. 

I am in shock. I am in denial. I am in disbelief. I am confused. I am in pain. I am lost. I am trying to come to terms with how life will be without him. 

I am still expecting to find him at the computer laughing while he watches ridiculous videos on YouTube. I am still calling his name as if he is here. I am still expecting him to walk through the door.

I know that he is in a good place. I know that his pain has been lifted. I know his disabilities are healed and he is now perfect. I know that no matter how much I want him back, it was his time to leave. I know that he is an angel watching over us here on earth.

I am feeling many things. There are many questions that will never get answered. Although right now I am living a life of uncertainty, the one thing I know for sure is that he is smiling down upon us and that we will be together again someday.

I lost my son ten days before his 15th birthday. We are holding his memorial service on the anniversary of his birth. We are planning the biggest celebration of his life.  
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