Wednesday, January 7, 2015

My Reflections On My Depressions

As I look in the mirror, my reflection stares back at me. I recognize that I have seen this image many times. The sight of my unkempt hair reminds me that I haven't bathed in a few days. I look tired despite the fact that I spend the majority of my time sleeping. It is obvious that the way I feel is presenting itself on my appearance. I wonder if the outside world can also tell how I feel inside. I am in a state of depression. 

I wonder why I am feeling this way. Is this state of bipolar depression a matter of external factors around me or is it influenced by a chemical reaction in my brain. My mind doesn't spend much time thinking about it. I do not have the energy to delve deeper into the reason for my despair.

I am operating on autopilot. My actions are minimal. Only necessary functions are completed. I drive the kids where they need to go. I force myself to load the washing machine only when the children have run out of clean clothes to wear. I waste most of the day away accomplishing nothing.

When they get home, my family takes over the household tasks while I sit forlorn in my bed. The kids do the dishes and cook dinner. My husband transfers the laundry from washer to dryer. I stare at the screen of my laptop and wander aimlessly on the World Wide Web finding interest in nothing. 

My family is used to this because it happens often. They have adjusted their lifestyle to meet my own. When I am in a depressed state they need to take over and do the tasks that should be mine.

I wish that I had the power to pull myself out of this depression. I wish that I had the capability to change the way I feel. Most of all, instead of feeling lonely and defeated, I wish that I had the mental capacity to be a better wife and mother to my husband and children while I am experiencing a depressive phase.


photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/jox1989/5057327861/">gioiadeantoniis</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>
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