Friday, December 26, 2014

A Vacation From Therapy

My psychologist is going to be away from his office for some time. Until he returns from his time off it will be two months before I see him again. This fact makes me nervous.

I found out that I had bipolar disorder a year and a half ago. I did not decide to start therapy until much later. I have been going to my psychologist for four months. When I started my sessions, I felt like I did not need therapy. 

I wish that I would have started therapy earlier. Even though I was resistant to therapy for over a year, the time that I have been going has made a major change in my life. Instead of keeping the feelings about my struggle with bipolar disorder to myself, I was finally able to articulate my feelings to someone who was trained in dealing with mental health issues. 

Over the past few weeks, I have been wondering if my sessions are more successful because of the time in my life that I decided to start. Was it a good decision to begin therapy after becoming stable on medication? Would I have been in a better place earlier if therapy was introduced toward the beginning of the process? I do not know the answer to that question. I just trust that everything happens for a reason and that things happen at the right time.

Therapy has given me the tools to better accept my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and I have realized that I have a large role in my recovery. Most of what I do depends on my view of the world. I learned that bipolar disorder does not control me. I control bipolar disorder by my decisions and actions. 

I put a major amount of effort into changing the way I think about the situations around me. I am not used to holding back what I am feeling; extreme anger, happiness, and sadness. I have been fast to react to all situations most of my life. Toning down my reactions is a battle. I have to take the time to stop and calm myself to behave like the "normal people" of the world instead of blowing up in anger, getting overenthusiastic about mundane things, or crying over things that I cannot control.

The other day I told my psychologist that he has had a negative impact on my blog. Before I started therapy, I used to blog two to three times a week. I feel that blogging is a good place for me to let my thoughts and feelings out. When I started therapy, I began sharing many things during my sessions instead of on my blog. It is nice to have a discussion instead of the one-sided conversation of a blog.

At this moment, I am nervous that I will not have the opportunity to speak to my psychologist for an extended amount of time. It will be a relief to me when he returns. After my hiatus from therapy I have no doubt that I will have an abundance of things to discuss with him when he returns. 
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