Tuesday, July 29, 2014

My Irrational Thoughts

Sometimes I hear little voices in my head telling me what to do. Most times, the thoughts leave my mind just as fast as they enter. I would think, "That was strange, where did that come from?" Usually, I feel like I am a rational person but sometimes I dwell on the weird thoughts a little too long. I like to let my mind entertain the strange scenarios for a bit before I move on to the next thought.

Photo by Lady J

A few weeks ago I watched a television show about a character that has bipolar disorder. When she was a child, her mother filled the pockets of her coat with rocks and walked into the ocean to drown. I have to admit, I was fascinated. What a creative way to die! When I came to my senses I realized that show was giving me ideas that I would never have considered to do on my own.

In the past decade whenever things would get overwhelming, I would wish that I could have a break from my life. Most women would consider having an all girls weekend at a spa as the ideal vacation. In contrast, I would often think that I would love to go to an insane asylum for a week or two. I thought that it would be a great way to get a little rest. I wonder if my subconscious was trying to tell me something.

Photo by Luke Wenberg

When I am driving alone, my mind wanders. I think about all the bridges in the area. I keep a mental note of the nearby bridges and the shortest route to get to each one as I drive. Sometimes, I have a strong impulse to drive to the closest bridge and think about what it would be like to drive off of it. It does not help that there are many bridges around the area where I live.

Whenever I watch movies or television, I yell at the people on the screen trying to warn them of any sources of impending danger. I know that they cannot hear me but if something bad happens, I call them idiots for not listening to my advice. My bad memory causes me to forget plot or storylines. Most of the time it is like I am watching the movie for the first time even though I have seen it before. The endings always surprise me.

Photo by Josette Burton

As a passenger in a car, I grip my seat belt tightly to resist the urge to unlock the belt, open the door, and fling myself out of the car. This usually happens whenever we are traveling at a high rate of speed. I do not think of the injuries that I would sustain, instead I wonder how long it would take for me to die. My husband has always wondered why I am always clutching my seatbelt. It's ironic that "securing" my belt was NOT for my safety.

My obsession with odd things is probably a part of having bipolar disorder. I have no idea if my thoughts and ideas are abnormal. Does anyone else have thoughts like these? Since I have had them as a child, I have always assumed they were normal. I believed that everyone thought this way.
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