I Wish That I Could Could Tell You More

I wish that I could tell you that I have all the answers for your questions about bipolar disorder. I wish that I could tell you the secrets that will help you with your problems. I wish that I could tell you how to make dealing with bipolar disorder easier. 

You need to be your biggest advocate. Part of taking care of yourself includes knowing where to search for help. There are many places where you can find assistance. 

One of the best things that you can do is research your disorder. Read books. Read articles on the internet. Read blogs from other people who have the same illness. These resources can help you understand bipolar disorder. Knowledge is of utmost importance. If you are informed about your condition, it will make dealing with it easier. 

Seek out support groups. There are support groups online. There may be support meetings in your area. The internet would be a good place to start in your search for these resources. If you feel that these places could be of help to you, don't hesitate to look for them. They could be a wonderful source of support.

Find a mental health professional. A psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or counselor that is familiar with bipolar disorder are excellent places to get help. They are the most valuable resources that you will need to get through your tough times. They are trained to give you the psychological help that you need. 

It would be irresponsible for me to give you personal advice. The best thing that I can tell you is that you should learn as much as possible about bipolar disorder. You also need to seek a mental health provider for professional advice to guide you as you make decisions about your life. 

I don't have all the answers to your questions. I don't have any secrets that will help you with your problems. I don't have the knowledge to tell you how to make your life easier. I am just as confused as you are when it comes to living life with bipolar disorder.

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What Are You Thinking? Sorry I Asked...

Nate:    Lately Jane and I have had a hard time understanding each other. It’s easy to misunderstand what is going on when she bounces from one idea to the next.

Jane:    In our relationship, I have always said the first thing that comes to my mind during our conversations. Most of the things that come out of my mouth are random and does not necessarily go with the topic we are talking about. I am easily distracted. Sometimes a thought will enter my mind and I need to bring it up before I forget what I wanted to say. Our conversations jump from one topic to another. Many times, we are talking about one thing and my mind switches to another subject and he thinks that we are still talking about the original subject. To Nate it may seem that my comments come out of nowhere. Often times, I am thinking about a topic that is running through my head for quite some time and it seems that there is never the right time to bring it up.

Nate:    I am constantly trying to play catch up and keep up with what we are talking about in that moment. This feels like driving a car at 100 MPH and then slamming on the breaks to change directions in the middle of the road. Sometimes the things she says brings me to a dead stop and I am not sure where to go from there. This gives me the feeling of emotional whiplash.

Jane:    During the recent visits with my psychologist, I told him that I say some harsh or shocking things when I am in a conversation. Since those visits, I have been trying to exercise control. He suggested that I take a few seconds before I speak in order to decide if what I am going to say is appropriate or to change my words in order not to offend the person to whom I am having a conversation. It is hard. I told him that I thought that being honest meant saying what I am thinking when I am thinking it. I guess there is more to it than that. For example, if I asked someone, “Does my butt look big in these jeans?” would it make me feel good if the person shared the their honest opinion and said the first thing that came to their mind? I don't have a filter from my brain to my mouth. I haven't learned the art of the little white lie. Isn’t it a form of dishonesty, even if it is meant to save the other person from hurt feelings? Why not be bold and say exactly that you mean?

Nate:    Our situation goes way beyond just talking about cute and simple things. In the middle of a conversation she opens up about something that has been on her mind for a while and it makes my head spin. I have many WTF moments when she shares her opinion. I need stop myself from reacting negatively to what I hear. When I pause in the middle of our conversations it probably seems to her as if I am hiding something. In all actuality, I use the time to figure out how to react appropriately and what to say. I constantly feel like I am walking on eggshells.

Jane:    As Nate has said, when he pauses during one of our talks, I feel as if he is hiding something. The reason why I feel that way is because whenever I keep quiet during a conversation, I am keeping a secret. The secret is usually my private thoughts that I do not feel comfortable sharing with him. I have many things rolling around in my mind that if he knew what I was thinking, it would hurt his feelings. Keeping these things bottled up inside is not good for me. Sometimes I cannot hold it in anymore and it usually leads to one of my random outbursts that makes him wonder what the hell is happening. I am walking on eggshells, too. Sometimes I am afraid that sharing my true feelings will ruin our relationship. I can be rather harsh.

Nate:    While I am used to her sharp tongue and the fact that she can be very harsh, I get very confused by what she says. I try my best to understand what is going on with her, but I can only react to what I know and what I see. Trying to focus on what she has to say confuses me. Sometimes I feel like a Haitian torch in the middle of our conversations. Other times I feel like I am the best husband in the world. It all depends on what falls out of her head and rolls off her tongue. 

Jane:    Another thing that bothers me is that Nate jumps to conclusions. He will misinterpret my words and behavior. He frequently assumes that my demeanor is a sign of mania or depression. I feel that the thinks that the fact that I have bipolar disorder automatically means that what I do means I am changing towards one of the extreme phases of the disorder. People without the disorder get angry or upset. Just because I am medicated for my condition it does not mean that my personality would all of a sudden switch from having my usual moodiness into behaving like life is full of sunshine and butterflies. Medication helps to calm my moods, not perform the miracle of transforming me into a saint.

Nate:    I try to base my conclusions on actions, behavior, attitude, and what she tells me. I know that even though she has bipolar disorder that there is a difference between her illness and her personality. Being able to differentiate between the two is not always easy. Asking her if she is manic when she is not pisses her off. What am I supposed to think when some of her actions seem more radical than usual and out of the ordinary? I have known Jane for almost 20 years. When I see something that is not normal behavior from her, I start to wonder if she is cycling towards a mood change. Medication is not a cure all. I try to stay vigilant so I can recognize when her moods take a turn for the worst before it happens. Sometimes I am totally wrong and misread her. I understand why she would be upset when I assume something as being bipolar when it is not. I would rather misinterpret one of her major bipolar mood swings and be safe because the consequences of her actions can be life changing. People with bipolar disorder can exhibit self destructive behavior including attempts at suicide. 

Jane:    When he overreacts it infuriates me. My life is not as complicated as he makes it seem. The corresponding behaviors of having a good or a bad day is common in all people. Emotional outbreaks are not a trait only reserved for people with bipolar disorder. Am I allowed to have my “moments” without having my every action scrutinized?

Nate:    One of the questions I ask myself often is, "At what point do I go from being a supportive husband to an overprotective asshole?" Sometimes I think that I am a bit of both. This causes some strong arguments. I enjoy being a good husband to Jane but I don't want to be a parent-figure to her. I don't know where one role ends and the other one begins. These questions leave me highly conflicted. I don't know the answers. I just try very hard to be the best partner that I can.

It's All About Interpretation

Kelly Clarkson is one of my favorite artists. I find that I identify with many of her songs. The lyrics move me. 

Sharing your thoughts can be hard. The perfect words are often difficult to find. Sometimes a song is a good way to express how you feel.

Here are a few songs that, to me, pertain to my life with bipolar disorder...

This song makes me think of who I was before I knew that I had bipolar disorder. I was confident and sure of myself. I felt security in who I thought I was. After getting my diagnosis, I feel like I am a mess of mixed emotions. I pretend that I am doing well despite my condition. Although this song is about the end of a relationship, in my mind, I see it as my new self being heartbroken about the battle with letting go of the old me.

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me,

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore

This song makes me think about the need to let go of something that means a great deal to me...my former self. Looking back at the experiences that have I encountered before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I realize that it is better to leave the old me behind in order to allow my new self to blossom and flourish. I have to take myself out of my past life situations and move on, no matter how much it hurts, because it is the right thing to do. 

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted

Now all our memories, they're haunted

We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high,

It never would've worked out right (Yea)

We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out

I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter

Where we take this road someone's gotta go

And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another

That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then

We could feel the poison set in

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so

I love you enough to let you go

I'm already gone, already gone

You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong

I'm already gone, already gone

There's no moving on so I'm already gone

This song makes me think of feeling alone only to find out that there are many more people in the world just like me. People with a bipolar disorder do not have to feel as if they need hide their disorder and keep their struggles private. The hardships we deal with everyday are only temporary. As individuals, we are fighting a lonely battle. If we are able to find others in the same situation, working together, we could make a difference in the world. 

People Like Us

We come into this world unknown

But know that we are not alone

They try and knock us down

But change is coming, it's our time now

Hey... everybody loses it,

Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes

And hey... yeah I know what you're going through

Don't let it get the best of you, you'll make it out alive

Ohh

People like us we've gotta stick together

Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever

Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten

It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom

Oh woah oh oh woah oh

We are all misfits living in a world on fire

Oh woah oh oh woah oh

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us

Hey, this is not a funeral

It's a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage

Just wait, everything will be okay

Even when you're feeling like it's going down in flames

They can't do nothing to you, they can't do nothing to me

This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed

So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare

Tonight we're gonna change forever

Everybody loses it, everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes

These songs may not mean much to anyone who listens to them. I would be surprised if anyone who reads this blog post will actually take the time to watch the music videos in their entirety and read the lyrics. I don't think that these songs will hold the same importance for anyone else than it does for me.

I realize that I skewed the intended messages of the writers for these songs to cater to my own unique situation. Not everyone will have the same interpretations for these songs. They have had different meanings for me during different times of my life. It all depended on the situation that I was experiencing while I was listening to the song. For me, these songs are meaningful. Even if this blog post does not affect anyone else's emotions...one person is touched by these words...that person is me.

How Much Time Do You Spend In Bed?

I have been to my fair share of psychological appointments since I have received my diagnosis of bipolar disorder a year and a half ago. I have seen two psychiatrists and one psychologist. They all ask me the same thing at almost every meeting..."How have you been sleeping?"

Although it is a valid question when it comes to someone with bipolar disorder, to be asked time and time again, it gets annoying. Sleep is a very important issue with someone who is bipolar. Sleep issues can be a sign of mania or depression.

Too little sleep can be a sign of mania. Someone who has bipolar disorder can get through the day with little or no sleep. Some people experience spending over 24 hours without sleep or getting by on less than four hours of sleep a night for multiple days in a row without feeling tired. During these times, they get an extraordinary amount of things accomplished. Sleep only gets in the way of getting things done.

One's body and mind can only go at full speed for a short amount of time. Lack of sleep can cause psychosis---a condition characterized with a loss of contact with reality. Delusional thinking (false beliefs about what is happening or who one is) and hallucinations (seeing and hearing things that are not there) can occur. It is not uncommon that a person with bipolar disorder who is controlled with medication to enter this state if they discontinue the use of their prescribed psychiatric drugs. Some individuals stop taking medication because they feel that they do not need them because they feel better, they do not like the way medication makes them feel, or they have a project and can work more efficiently without the sedating effects of psychiatric drugs.

Conversely, too much sleep is also a part of bipolar disorder. After a manic phase, an individual with the illness can crash into a depression phase. In a depressive state, a person my feel as if they cannot get enough rest, even if the amount of time spent sleeping is excessive. 

It is suggested that caffeine intake should be limited in people who have bipolar disorder. The consumption of caffeine can disrupt one's ability to acquire an adequate about of sleep. If a patient also has anxiety, it is also important to monitor how much caffeine they drink.

A few months ago, my psychologist suggested that I watch how much caffeine I drink and how late I drink it because I have trouble sleeping at night. As an added bonus, it would help with my issues with anxiety. Although I understand his advice, I am having a hard time following through with his suggestion.

During my last appointment with my psychologist, I brought a caramel frappe into his office. After our normal pleasantries of how I have been doing the past week, he asked me if I was drinking an iced coffee during our session. I could imagine the gears spinning in his head. Why yes, my dear doctor, "Yes I am..."


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A Mother's Guilt

Bipolar disorder is one of the most heritable mental illnesses. Some doctors in the medical and psychological community strongly discourage individuals with bipolar disorder to have children. They believe that is irresponsible for a person with the condition to consider parenthood.

This belief is also held by individuals who have the disorder as well because they do not want to knowingly pass on the genes that cause the disorder to their offspring. I have seven children and I often wonder if I would have made a similar decision had I known that I had bipolar disorder earlier in my life. 

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you would know that I have a son who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had him tested for the illness because he has the same behavior that I exhibited at his age. In his case, my instincts were right.

I just had my daughter tested for bipolar disorder. She acts exactly like I did at her age. The other day I found out the test results as to whether or not my daughter has the illness. 

She was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). In multiple articles that I have read about bipolar disorder, it is suggested that ADHD is often an early symptom of the condition. In my mind, I think that it may have been too early to make an accurate diagnosis of bipolar disorder because she has not had enough life experience. Her behavior may not have to escalated to the point where a diagnosis can easily be made. Deep inside I think that she does have bipolar disorder. I feel that her initial diagnosis is just the beginning of the story.

Some may say that because I have bipolar disorder and I know that the condition is hereditary, I may see signs of the illness in all my children. I do not agree with that statement. Of the five of seven kids who are of "diagnosable age", I only see the symptoms in two of them; my 20 year old son and 13 year old daughter.

Going through life with a mental illness is difficult. My personal experience with bipolar disorder has been a hard journey. I would not wish my condition on anyone. 

I can watch for early warning signs of bipolar disorder in my children. I can help them learn about and understand their situation. I can guide them so that they do not have to make the same mistakes in their lives that I did.  They do not have to struggle with the tough lessons and consequences that I had to endure.

Although it is hard to live with having bipolar disorder, it took me a while to realize that my diagnosis is a blessing and not a curse. When any of my children inherit my condition, I am here for them. They do not have to figure out what they need to do by themselves. They have me to guide them. 


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