Thursday, March 12, 2015

Will My Husband Decide to Leave Me?

My husband used to tell me that he loved me just the way I am. I haven't heard him say that in a long time. I cannot pinpoint the exact time that he discontinued saying that phrase. Truthfully, I did not notice that he stopped saying it at all.

In the past I played the sweet, loving wife and he the adoring husband. One day I suddenly turned from someone with a beautiful, kind heart to a person who was angry and bitter. I became someone that he did not know.

We fought. We distanced ourselves from each other. We talked about ending our marriage.

Although it seems like that part of our relationship occurred a lifetime ago, in reality, it has only been a couple of years. In that short time we have tried to repair our marriage but there is only so much one can forgive. Horrible things were said; words that cannot be taken back. Try as we might, things will never be forgotten. Hurtful words, although no longer spoken, are etched into our hearts and minds forever.

Just before I found out that I had bipolar disorder I went through, what I now know to be, a major manic phase. This part of the disorder can be positive, negative or a mixture of both. You can either exhibit over the top joy and happiness or irritability and anger. During that specific time of my life I was a monster. I turned into a unreasonable bitch and almost destroyed our marriage.

I am not the person that I was during that major manic phase. Even so, the experience has changed my life forever. I will never be the same person that I was before my lapse in judgment.

Soon after my diagnosis, I started a year of experimenting with medication. I believe that my psychiatrist and I found an acceptable mix and level of drugs to help manage my moods, at least I hope. It is not uncommon to take many years to obtain the right chemical cocktail that works for each specific individual.

My medication has made me a totally different person from my former self. My moods have been stabilized within acceptable parameters. I no longer swing between the deep depths of depression nor the intense highs of mania. I am forever changed. 

I feel as if the spark that made me special has gone away. There was a certain part of my craziness that my husband found endearing. The fun, spontaneous and impulsive part of me has disappeared. I think my husband mourns the loss of those aspects of my life.

When I ask my husband if he still loves me the way I am, I can see sadness in his eyes. I am not the person he married. He tries to reassure me that he'll love me no matter what. 

I am afraid that one day he will decide that he does not like me because I have changed. I fear that his reason will be that I am not the person with whom he fell in love. I wonder if my husband will leave me because he does not like the person who I have become.

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