Thursday, March 5, 2015

I Deserve to Get Punched in the Face

I have spent countless hours wracking my brain trying to figure out why my son would feel desperate enough to end his life. In the midst of my grief over losing my son Jonathan to suicide, I have been told many hurtful things. One of the worst things that I have heard is that my son's suicide is my fault. 

According to a someone on my husband's side of the family, I did something during my pregnancy that caused my son to have autism. My son has had many difficulties in life because of his mental disability. This person feels that if my son was not mentally challenged his life would have been easier, therefore, he would not have had the desire to end his life.

It has been suggested that the way I raised my son is wrong. Not only have I been described as a failure of a mother, several scenarios of my shortcomings that never crossed my mind were voiced. This person does not put blame on my husband, only me.

She knows that I have a mental illness. I have been told that she is not scared that I have bipolar disorder, she wants to punch me in the face. This person does not even know me. I met her once for a brief moment many years ago. 

Even though she does not have any tangible reason to blame me for my son's death, it still hurts my already fragile heart to hear such awful things.
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