It Is No One's Fault But My Own

My marriage is in turmoil because of my disorder. My bipolar mood swings are too much to handle. I would be naive to think that anyone would have the strength to deal with the day to day challenges of having a relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder.

I let the worst of my disorder get the best of me. I say things that hurt those around me. It is hard for the people closest to me to recover from the pain that I inflict on them.

As much as I apologize, I can't guarantee that the same harsh words will not return. The cycle continues to play over and over again. I leave those in my wake feeling as if they had the wind knocked out of them. My words are poison. At the time, I mean exactly what I say. Later, I regret saying hateful things. I know that I can never take the words back. The hurt I inflict will stay for an eternity.

This time, I think that I have done irreparable damage to my relationship with my husband. I hurt the person who loves me the most and I am deeply saddened that I allow myself to do this time and time again. How many times do I have to repeat this vicious cycle until he finally breaks and decides that he has had enough?

I won't blame him when he leaves. I know with all my heart that he is better off without me.