How My Experiences Prepared Me For A Bipolar Marriage

Jane and I have been married for almost 18 years. We have had more than our fair share of arguments and hurt feelings. When her bipolar disorder takes over, things go to a whole new level. I try remind myself that it's her disorder talking. This is not always easy for me to do. Biting my tongue is second nature. I learned it from when I was kid.

I have had a pretty crazy and abusive childhood. When I was ten years old my parents divorced. I was the oldest child. This meant that I was expected to help watch over my younger sister. We spent a lot of time alone without anyone to look after us. In the past this was normal, but in today's world it would be considered as child neglect.

Taking care of my sister was not easy. She was developmentally challenged. She would say things that were inappropriate and offend people. My job was to keep her out of trouble. I think that my experience as my sister's keeper made me very protective over my family and I developed a little bit of a hero complex by taking care of her.

In my teenage years I went through some dark times. I was more than my mother could handle. We fought constantly and made the mutual decision that I would no longer live at home. I spent lots of time bouncing from one place to another. I was essentially homeless. 

My freshman year in high school I dropped out of school. I struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. I was forced into a chemical dependency program. I was non-compliant and I left.

After my sixteenth birthday I moved in with my father. While staying at a friend's house for the weekend my dad came by to drop off some of my things. He told me that he was going on vacation. When the visit at my friend's house was over, I went home. The house was empty. He had moved without telling me. I never saw him again.

A couple months later, I moved across the state to move back in with my mother and stepfather. They had recently moved near Seattle. Living with them gave me a chance for a new start. I entered into a substance abuse recovery program and started going back to church. I went back to school. I found good support in my community. 

After high school, I served a mission. I spent the next two years volunteering to help other people. I taught people about the gospel of Jesus Christ. I also helped them to find employment and human services support in their community. The opportunity to serve others was a great experience for me. My past taught me how to be compassionate to people in need and have the desire to help them. 

I believe that all my life's experiences, good or bad, have lessons for me. Even though I had rough parts in my life they prepared for being in a relationship with someone like my wife, You have to be both loving and understanding if you are a caretaker for someone with bipolar disorder. Not everyone is cut out to deal with being married or in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness. It's hard work, I love my wife, and she is worth it.

I Bring Shame to the Family

The other day my mother approached me and told me to stop blogging. During a college abnormal psychology course I found out that I had bipolar disorder. Her logic was that since the class was over, I should stop talking about the past. This is her roundabout way of telling me to stop sharing that I have a mental illness with the world.

My mother has always told me that I brought shame to our family.


As a teen, I had anorexia and bulimia. My mother found out after I confided in a school counselor. I only admitted that I had an eating disorder because I passed out in class because I had not been eating. I also admitted that when I did eat, I would force myself to throw up. When my mother heard about it, she told me that I was wasting food that my parents spent their hard earned money to provide. My father was advised to take me to a hospital. I talked to the psychiatrist on duty. My weight was so low that he told me that he wanted a follow up visit a week later. If I stayed the same weight or lost any weight, I would be admitted to the hospital. My parents never took me back.

One night I attempted to commit suicide by swallowing an entire bottle of pills. I was not feeling well the next day. I confided in my school counselor of what I had done and she called my priest for help. My mother was angry. She claimed that I tarnished her standing as a member in the church.

When my mom found out that I was sexually active, she called me a slut. She was afraid of what our friends and neighbors would say about her if they found out. Before that, we never had any discussion about sexuality except for the fact that I needed to remain a virgin until my wedding night. 

My mother always made it sound like my actions would reflect negatively towards her. Her reputation was at stake. Why is her reputation more important than my well-being?

My mother thinks that my problems should stay a family secret and by not talking about it, it will disappear. She believes that I should stop blogging about my life and bipolar disorder because the world does not need to know about my problems. I am bringing shame to the family.

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My Wife and Her One Track Mind

Goal oriented behavior is one the characteristics that can be present in people with bipolar disorder. This can be beneficial in terms of deadlines or responsibilities. In the case of my wife, her focus can become remarkably specific that she becomes one-track minded. This behavior is associated with her manic episodes.

When Jane transitions from a depressive phase into a manic phase she will change from being unenthusiastic about anything to non-stop talking about her new, all important idea. The new project takes over her life. The rest of the family gets sidelined as she becomes obsessed with reaching her goal. For example, when she decides that the laundry needs to be washed she will work around the clock to get it done. As her manic cycle elevates, her need for sleep decreases. Sleep impedes her goal.

Most times I feel like the family is not as important as her project. When she gets heavily involved in her work, she enlists us to complete specific tasks to help her. We do our best to help but she becomes angry when it is not done to her satisfaction. This causes some conflict between the Jane (project manager) and the rest of the family (subordinates).

As she becomes closer to reaching her goal, her desire do things perfectly overwhelms her. When she comes to the realization that she will not meet her goal on schedule she becomes very irritable. Lack of sleep begins to wear her down. More often than not, she will lose interest in many of her projects before she finishes them and becomes obsessed with a new project. Her original project is abandoned. My wife has plenty of unfinished projects around our house. She says that she will get to them eventually. 

This last year, Jane's main focuses was to go to college and earn a degree. After over twenty years of being a stay at home mom, she felt that she needed to accomplish something for herself. Our seven children were at a point in their lives where they were no longer as dependant on her. She became a full time student while trying to be a wife and mother at the same time. Alone, any one of these roles are challenging. During her first quarter in school, we learned that she had bipolar disorder. Dealing with a newly diagnosed mental illness and the list of her already overwhelming tasks, many people may have decided to drop out of school. Jane refused to give up on her dream. She is NOT wired like that. 

Getting her degree quickly may have seemed like it would be an impossible thing to accomplish, but she graduated in record time. She completed four quarters taking difficult courses. The goal oriented nature of her disorder enabled her to succeed when others would have quit. This part of her disorder motivates her to get things done that might appear impossible. Without the goal oriented behavior of someone with bipolar disorder, she would not have had the focus needed to achieve her goal.

To Blog or Not to Blog

Managing a blog has been tough. It takes a lot of my time to put everything together. I don't mind spending the time to write my posts. My struggle is with knowing whether or not the information I choose to share is relevant. Which experiences should I share? What information would make the biggest difference in people's lives?

I try to make our blog different.

When my husband and I decided to start a blog, we wanted to create something that would set our blog apart from the other blogs that are available. We think that the thing that makes us special is that we blog as a team. This gives us the opportunity to give different perspectives on the same topic. 

After a couple months of blogging, I asked two of our children if they would like to contribute to our blog. One has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the other is going through psychological testing in order to see if she has the illness. We allow them to become guest bloggers when they are interested. The focus of our blog changed from "a married couple's point of view" to a "family's point of view".

I have a topic that I am passionate about.

I am passionate about the topic of bipolar disorder. In writing about a subject that I have strong feelings about, I can make my blog posts more compelling. I would like to think that my enthusiasm about the illness will allow others who are interested in the subject follow to our blog. 

My intent is to inform others about the bipolar disorder. I want to let others who have the disorder know that they are not alone. I want people to understand the illness.

I write about what I know.

I do not claim to be an expert about bipolar disorder. I write about my personal experiences with having the illness. I think I express myself better when I reveal my feelings in contrast to writing fact filled blogs. I write in my own voice.

I write for myself.

As much as I want to make a difference in the world of mental illness, in the end, I am writing for myself. Keeping a blog is like writing my own personal journal. Although my "journal" is public, I truly believe that others share my thoughts and feelings.

Writing also helps me learn more about myself. In order to keep my blog posts relevant, I continue to research the facts. This exercise helps me find new topics in which to write about.

I try not to worry about the numbers.

At times it has been discouraging. Is this blog worth the time I spend writing it? I am struggling with whether or not we are making a enough of a difference. I realize that I need to be patient and give our blog time to become established in order to see results. I will have to trust my original instincts and believe that what we are doing the right thing.

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Monitoring My Moods and My Husband's Assets

My psychologist recommended that I start a mood journal. Truthfully, I have not put much effort in the task. My journal remains practically empty. 

The way it is supposed to work is that I write down my emotions during a shift in my mood. After that, I am supposed to write about what I was doing prior to the onset of the feeling and what I did after the feeling started. Keeping track of this information, theoretically, is supposed to help me predict any patterns in my mood and how it affects my behavior. If I am feeling too high or too low, I can take steps to manage the symptoms that may occur with a depressive or manic phase. 

My problem is that I cannot figure out exactly how I feel. If I cannot pinpoint that important detail, how can my doctor know how to counsel me? The only feeling I observe in myself is, for lack of a better term, moody.

My psychologist also wants me to open up during therapy. UGH! I hate to seem like I am not in control of my emotions. Our first session was difficult. Our visits start with my cursory answer of, "Fine", when he asks how I am doing. If I do not open up to him soon, I may be in therapy forever. I once told him that if he wanted to know how I am feeling, he could read my blog instead and charge me by the hour. 

Talking about my feelings is not an easy for me. I am not a touchy-feely person. Public displays of affection make me uncomfortable. Unless, that is, you count grabbing my husband's rear end at the grocery store. A word of caution...make sure that the cheek you grab belongs to your significant other. Copping a feel of the buns of a stranger is awkward. I make sure to get a glimpse of my husband's face before I grasp his boo-tay. Sometimes, it is easy to mistake the identity of someone when you only see then from behind. Pun intended.

The funny thing is that bipolar disorder is about emotions. Bipolar disorder deals with mood swings. Emotions and moods go hand in hand. Unless I am teetering towards depression or mania, I do not recognize what mood state I am experiencing. I will have to try harder to actually do my homework. I should be making the most of my sessions with my therapist; otherwise, when we are together I am wasting our time.

The creative part of my disorder is trying to find an easy way out of delving into my conscious and subconscious mind searching for the reason that I am feeling whatever I am feeling at the time I am feeling it. I need to figure it out soon or my psychologist will have nothing to work with during our next therapy appointment. Maybe the next time I see him, I could start with discussing my obsession with my husband's butt and we can move on from there.

Where Are You When I Need You the Most?

I have bipolar disorder. That is not secret. There are times when I am angry. Other times I am sad. I have extreme mood swings that are subdued by psychiatric medication. 

As I ponder the world around me, I think of all the people who behave like total jerks. They allow their temper to rise and shoot harsh words out of their mouths to total strangers. Some yell from afar. Others will stand inches from another person's face looking for a fight. These instances seem to be acceptable behaviors for some people. Some may say that it is just part of their explosive personality. If I were to display the same bad behavior, it would be frowned upon because I have bipolar disorder.

Then there are times that I am emotionally distressed. Please do not think that I do not care for people who are having a hard time. I can relate to them because I have low feelings as well. When other people cry out for help, they get sympathy and support. When I am in one of my bipolar depressions, some people think that I just need to get my crap together and get over it.

"Normal" people are allowed some slack. I feel that since I admitted that I have a mental illness; most people have turned their backs on me. People's behavior towards me has changed.

Don't get me wrong. I am not bitter. Maybe I am being sensitive. On the other hand, maybe I am insensitive. I guess it just depends on what side you are on. 

On facebook, people who are having a hard time get a lot of sympathy. Countless people will run to the aid of a troubled friend. Their posts get a large number of responses.

"I'm sorry that you are angry. Call me if you need to vent."

"So you are having a bad day? I am here for you. Let me know what I can do to help."

Is it my imagination or are people different around me? I appreciate the kind comments from the few people who are concerned about me but I often ask, "Where is my parade of caring people who are flooding my page with love and support?" I can just imagine the thoughts going through other people's heads.

"She has a mental illness. She is scary."

"I wonder if what she has is contagious." 

"I think her meds need to be adjusted."

I used to get a large number of sympathetic responses before I announced to the world that I had bipolar disorder. Why did I get attention when my problems were trivial? Now that I am dealing with a problem that is more serious, where did my support system go?

I am not the only one with a mental illness that has this problem. It is very common. It can be very lonely. It feels as if people like us have to tough it out alone. These people probably ask the same question of their friends and family that I do. 

Where are you when I need you the most?

I Don't Give Up

If you have been reading some of our more recent posts, you would see that we have been through a rough patch in our relationship lately. This is not new for us, but it is probably new for some of the people who have read our blog. 

We are working through this together. Despite what it may appear to be, our lives are not always full of roses and rainbows. We have real struggles just like everyone else. Her disorder makes our marriage challenging at times. Bipolar disorder affects our daily lives.

In her last blog post, my wife talked about her mood cycles and the harsh things she says while she was living in that moment. Her illness causes her to think irrationally and it affects her judgment. When this happens she can say some of the most hurtful things. I know that most times her attitude will change eventually. Sometimes it takes longer than others for this to happen.

There are many reasons that we go through this cycle often. She regularly forgets things. To her, we have had many déjà vu moments. Memory issues are common in someone who has bipolar disorder. 

We often repeat the same conversation because does not remember having the conversation in the first place. It's a lot like the movie 50 First Dates or Groundhog Day. Reliving a previous argument or the same conversations can be uncomfortable. Even though she does not always remember the details of our conversations, I know she remembers how it made her feel. It affects her mood at the time that these conversations are happening.

I try my best not to let it get to me. At times her words upset me and I get offended. After all the past experiences, I feel like I should know better by now. 

When I can recognize the direction the conversation is headed, I will try to lead us in a better direction than before. I try to avoid saying the things that would trigger her to become upset. There are times when I totally get it wrong and I end up making it worse. These times I feel like that it would have been better if I would not have said anything at all.

There are other times when I feel that it’s all I can do to contain my emotions. I try not to take what I hear personally. When I do, I become standoffish. I usually need to take a little time to recover. 

Getting upset just makes things harder. When she starts in on me I need to step back and let her vent. I wait out the storm. Her mood will change eventually. Understanding this takes some of the sting out of what she says. Being able to separate what is the real Jane and what is coming from her illness is something I am still trying to learn.

When she comes out of a bad mood phase of the disorder, I remind her that I am not going anywhere, I love her, and I am always going to be here for her. I am trying to support her efforts to get better. I am not going to give up on her. I am not easily broken. 

It Is No One's Fault But My Own

My marriage is in turmoil because of my disorder. My bipolar mood swings are too much to handle. I would be naive to think that anyone would have the strength to deal with the day to day challenges of having a relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder.

I let the worst of my disorder get the best of me. I say things that hurt those around me. It is hard for the people closest to me to recover from the pain that I inflict on them.

As much as I apologize, I can't guarantee that the same harsh words will not return. The cycle continues to play over and over again. I leave those in my wake feeling as if they had the wind knocked out of them. My words are poison. At the time, I mean exactly what I say. Later, I regret saying hateful things. I know that I can never take the words back. The hurt I inflict will stay for an eternity.

This time, I think that I have done irreparable damage to my relationship with my husband. I hurt the person who loves me the most and I am deeply saddened that I allow myself to do this time and time again. How many times do I have to repeat this vicious cycle until he finally breaks and decides that he has had enough?

I won't blame him when he leaves. I know with all my heart that he is better off without me.

The Monster Inside Me

For a few weeks, my husband has been part of a facebook support group for people who have a partner with bipolar disorder. This is the second time that he has been part of the group. He removed himself many months ago because he felt that it was a negative place. He recently joined again. This is not just any facebook group. In order to take part you need to "apply" and an administrator has to approve the membership.

My husband would talk about the facebook page almost every day. He would describe the posts in detail. We would discuss what he had read and how he responded to the posts. I complained that I did not like the fact that he was a member of the support group. I felt that it was made up of a bunch of women having a pity party because their bipolar spouses were a bunch of assholes. This group is made up mostly by women.

He would spend large amounts of time on the site reading posts from people with unhappy relationships. He identified with the group. He would try to give them encouragement. He would tell them his story. He would reply to the others with "been there, done that" responses.

He would tell me about some of the issues that these women were complaining about. He’d say that he felt sorry for these women and their circumstances. He felt that he was taking part of the group to inform and inspire these women. He wanted to educate them.

I would listen quietly most of the time. Every once in a while I would give my opinion. I would remind him that the women were complaining about typical bipolar behavior.

Why does it bother me that he would be involved in such a group? Honestly, I have to admit that part of it is jealousy. What wife would enjoy the fact that her husband is involved in a group made up of mostly women? What wife would appreciate her husband comforting these other women? What wife would approve of her husband sharing private feelings with other women that he does not share with his wife?

These women describe their husbands as useless pieces of crap. These women complain that their husbands have a temper and say hurtful things out of anger. I have been known to have my outbursts. These women complain that their spouses do not work. I do not have a job. These women complain that they have to hold down more than one job because their spouses do not contribute financially to the household. My husband works overtime in order for our family to make ends meet. These women complain that their spouses refuse to take medication in order to get their illness under control. I hate being forced to take medication because it is the “right” thing to do.

These women describe their bipolar spouses as monsters. 

I am a bipolar spouse. 

I am one of those monsters.