Thursday, April 28, 2016

I Wish I Was Dead

A friend posted on my facebook wall that she thinks of me often. She also said that she didn't see many posts from me. I cried.

I could have easily responded that I was doing great. In the cyber-world she could not see the look on my face or hear the tone of my voice. In the real world I would force a smile, hoping to look convincing.

In the privacy of my home, I let my guard down. My husband looks at me and asks , "What's wrong?" I say, "Nothing", and look away.

My doctors know about my feelings. Whenever I see one of them, they always asks me how I would rate my feelings of suicide on a scale of 1 - 10; I always give a high number. The other asks if I am in danger of self-harm. I say no. Every time I use the same reason. 

Over a year ago, I lost a son to suicide. Our family was devastated. I wouldn't want something like that to happen to us again.

I will not kill myself, but I often think about ways I could die.

I cannot kill myself, but I wish that I could go to sleep and not wake up in the morning.

Even though I know better... 

I Wish I Was Dead.

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