Family, Funerals, and Grief

These last couple of weeks have been very hard for our family. We had a celebration of life for our son Jonathan on the January 20th. He would have turned 15 years old. I am very appreciative of the love and support we have received from family, friends, and strangers.

They say that funerals bring out the best and worst in people. Some of the hardest parts for me to deal with have come from family. There are just some things that the people closest to us say or do that are hurtful at a time when things are already really difficult. 

I have been told that everyone grieves in their own way. Sometimes I think that's just an excuse for people’s poor behavior. Being in pain does not excuse being a jerk. 

As parents who have lost a child, shouldn't my wife and I be the ones who are mourning the most? I don't understand why someone else would be disrespectful and make this situation about them.

In the last couple of weeks, the actions of others have really drained the energy out of life. I was left feeling exhausted, depressed and angry. This cycle seems to repeat itself over and over again. Maybe it’s the grieving process or perhaps it’s something else. I am not really sure since I have never lost someone this close to me before. 

Coping with my son’s suicide has not been easy. A lot of the time, people want to talk and ask questions concerning his death. I know that they just want to reach a better understanding of what has happened. They don't realize that talking about his death, causes me to relive the experience again. It’s not fun. I usually cannot get through answering their questions without a pause. I try to keep from tearing up and crying.

Things are getting more manageable since his service. When I start feeling sad, I try to remember good things about Jon. He loved playing pranks on people and telling jokes. We spent lots of time out fishing or working in the garden. It’s these types of memories that help me to feel better when I am feeling sad. I miss him.