Dear Diary

I do not have a journal or diary. Over the years I would to start one by writing my thoughts in a notebook. I would always end up abandoning the project after a short period of time. I was usually in a depression stage whenever I would feel the need to write. The things that I wrote about were very dark. I suffered from a great deal of emotional pain during my teen and young adult years. I did not like the idea that someone would come across my diary and read my private thoughts and feelings.

Whenever I would look back at the things that I had written in my journal, I would not like what I saw. I would think that the journal entries were terrible. Usually, it was because I would be in a happier place whenever I took the time to reread my words. Without much thought, I would rip out the pages of the notebook and burn them. Each time, getting rid of the evidence was cathartic. It was a release from my pain. I would often think to myself, "Why would I want to keep a record of negativity to remind myself of how horrible I have felt in the past?"

I have never considered myself to be a great writer. Despite my inability to compose a literary masterpiece, I write because I am passionate about my cause. The journey of self discovery and reflecting on my past has not been fun. I think that my mission is more important than my insecurities. I believe that being open and honest about my journey will show others that I am sincere with my attempt to educate them about my condition. I'd like to think that if others can relate to my words, it would help alleviate some of the stigma about bipolar disorder. I have hopes and dreams. I have fears and weaknesses. I am just like each and every one of you, but my brain is just wired a little differently.

Writing my thoughts for the world to see has not been easy. If I could erase every trace of my blog, it wouldn't change the fact that people have already read them. Parts of my life are no longer private. I have given up my privacy because I think it is for a good cause.

I am still trying to find my comfort zone when it comes to writing about a sensitive subject. I do it because I want to make a difference. My desire is to inform others about my world living with bipolar disorder. Some people have told me that they have learned new things from our blog. Others have found our words to be inspiring. Some have even called us brave for sharing our stories. In the short time since we have started this blog we have barely made a dent in changing the stigma toward bipolar disorder. Even though we have not made much of an impact, we need to start somewhere...

My Irrational Thoughts

Sometimes I hear little voices in my head telling me what to do. Most times, the thoughts leave my mind just as fast as they enter. I would think, "That was strange, where did that come from?" Usually, I feel like I am a rational person but sometimes I dwell on the weird thoughts a little too long. I like to let my mind entertain the strange scenarios for a bit before I move on to the next thought.

Photo by Lady J

A few weeks ago I watched a television show about a character that has bipolar disorder. When she was a child, her mother filled the pockets of her coat with rocks and walked into the ocean to drown. I have to admit, I was fascinated. What a creative way to die! When I came to my senses I realized that show was giving me ideas that I would never have considered to do on my own.

In the past decade whenever things would get overwhelming, I would wish that I could have a break from my life. Most women would consider having an all girls weekend at a spa as the ideal vacation. In contrast, I would often think that I would love to go to an insane asylum for a week or two. I thought that it would be a great way to get a little rest. I wonder if my subconscious was trying to tell me something.

Photo by Luke Wenberg

When I am driving alone, my mind wanders. I think about all the bridges in the area. I keep a mental note of the nearby bridges and the shortest route to get to each one as I drive. Sometimes, I have a strong impulse to drive to the closest bridge and think about what it would be like to drive off of it. It does not help that there are many bridges around the area where I live.

Whenever I watch movies or television, I yell at the people on the screen trying to warn them of any sources of impending danger. I know that they cannot hear me but if something bad happens, I call them idiots for not listening to my advice. My bad memory causes me to forget plot or storylines. Most of the time it is like I am watching the movie for the first time even though I have seen it before. The endings always surprise me.

Photo by Josette Burton

As a passenger in a car, I grip my seat belt tightly to resist the urge to unlock the belt, open the door, and fling myself out of the car. This usually happens whenever we are traveling at a high rate of speed. I do not think of the injuries that I would sustain, instead I wonder how long it would take for me to die. My husband has always wondered why I am always clutching my seatbelt. It's ironic that "securing" my belt was NOT for my safety.

My obsession with odd things is probably a part of having bipolar disorder. I have no idea if my thoughts and ideas are abnormal. Does anyone else have thoughts like these? Since I have had them as a child, I have always assumed they were normal. I believed that everyone thought this way.

What's In Your Genes?

Jane: Depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia are all mood disorders. Many symptoms of these disorders overlap. A doctor may diagnose an individual with the wrong illness depending on the mental state of the patient when the doctor observes them.

Nate: Moods disorders are often inherited. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), more than two-thirds of individuals with bipolar disorder have a close relative with a mood disorder. The percentage is high.

Jane: As we learned more about the genetic component of bipolar disorder, we began to think about our family histories. We thought about the stories that we have been told regarding mental illness. I do not have any stories to share.

Nate: When I was a child, I was told that my maternal grandmother had been institutionalized for paranoid schizophrenia. Because of this, she was shunned by the family. I do not know when or how long she had been hospitalized. In my research, I discovered that most cases of schizophrenia that was diagnosed in the 50's and 60's may have actually have been bipolar disorder. Doctors diagnosed patients with schizophrenia because there was little information about bipolar disorder.

Jane: The mental health field has made many changes about psychiatric conditions during the past several decades. The diagnostic criteria for both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia have changed. Much of the information that describes the differences between both disorders from that era was not as specific as it is today. There is a fine line between each condition.

Nate: Taking this information into consideration, I believe that my grandmother was suffering from bipolar disorder, not schizophrenia. I wish I had a way to see my grandmother's medical records. It could answer some of my many questions. I am sorry that my relatives has treated my grandmother unfairly. I would like to think that they would have treated her differently if they understood her mental illness.

Jane: I still do not know where I inherited my condition from. All I know is that mental illness runs in the family and I have one. My parents were born and raised in another country. The country where they are from may not recognize mood disorders in the same way as we do in the United States. It is also possible that my parents thought that mental illness was a family secret and did not share any information with me.

Nate: A few months ago, I called my mother to get information about my grandmother's illness because I wanted to know more about her condition. My main concern was about heredity. Because I know that mental illness can come from both sides of our families, I am concerned about the higher risk of my children coming down with a mood disorder. After some discussion my mother told me, "Don't worry honey, you're not crazy. You don't have schizophrenia."

Jane: We have seven children. We have always wanted a big family. When I had my children, I did not know that I had a mental illness. Now that I know that I have bipolar disorder, it does not mean that I wish that I could turn back time and not have had them. I cannot picture my life without each and every one of them. I love each one of my children with all my heart and all my soul. It is my belief that they are all on this earth for a reason. I have to admit, I do feel some guilt knowing that my children can develop a mood disorder because of me. It is not their fault. They are not to blame when it comes to the possibility that they may someday develop a mental illness.

Nate: My mother knew that my grandmother suffered from a mental disorder. I don't know if she was aware that mental illness is passed down from generation to generation. Would my mother have had children knowing that she was passing down the genes for mental illness through her children?

            Jane: One of my older sons that has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder is expecting his first child. If my grandchild inherits a mood disorder, I will love and accept my grandchild no matter what.

Nate: Due to the possibility of a parent passing the illness on to their child, some people choose not to have children. Society and doctors in the medical and mental health communities strongly believe that individuals with bipolar disorder should NOT have children.

Jane: Many of the medications used to treat bipolar disorder are considered to be dangerous to take during pregnancy. They affect the growth and development of the unborn child. Because of this, it is advisable to stop the use of medications needed to treat bipolar disorder while a woman is pregnant. The mother's mood and behaviors have to be monitored carefully. As soon as the baby is born, the medication regimen has to begin immediately. Breastfeeding is not an option while the mother is medicated.

Nate: Postpartum psychosis (an extreme form of postpartum depression) and the high risk of birth defects caused by bipolar medication are some reasons that couples with a history of bipolar disorder choose not to have children.

Jane: I would not wish this illness on anyone. The disorder not only affects the person with the disorder, it affects the entire family. We will have to watch my behavior and keep an eye out for early signs of mental illness in my children. All we can do is try our best to cope with any challenges as they arise. My husband and I will be vigilant.

Nate: Taking all things into consideration, I am disturbed that my mother's side of the family holds onto the stigma of mental illness. When we were considering starting this blog, I told my mother that Jane was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Her reaction was very cruel and mean spirited. Mental illness can manifest itself later in life. I wonder how she would have reacted if I had told her that I was the one with the mental illness.

Dealing with Anxiety

In most cases, when someone has a mental illness they suffer from more than one disorder. It is not uncommon for someone to have other psychological conditions. The term co-morbidity is used to describe the presence of having two or more conditions at the same time. Bipolar disorder is co-morbid with anxiety disorders including generalized anxiety disorder, phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, and panic disorders. I have always felt that my wife had some of these conditions, even before she received her diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

Though the years, it was not uncommon for me to receive calls from her while I was at work. Sometimes all she would say was, "I need you to come home now", and hang up. I would never know if she was anxiety ridden, in a deep depression, or just needed to talk. Whenever she would call me at work, it would always worry me. It usually meant that something was wrong. I felt helpless being far away, not knowing what to do.

More times than I could count, my wife would wake me up in the in the wee hours of the morning. She would have a hard time catching her breath and would feel as if her heart was pounding. As her anxiety would escalate she would feel like she was going to pass out. She would be disoriented. She would say that she felt as if she were dying. Sometimes, I would be able to calm her down and hold her as she cried herself to sleep.
At least three times, she was taken to the emergency room by an ambulance. Every time we went to the hospital, the doctors would say that she was suffering from a panic attack. On these mornings, I would have to call in sick to work because I would be tired from staying up most of the night taking care of her or spending hours at the emergency room. I have used many hours of sick leave when it came to taking care of my wife.

For many years, I have played the role of a caregiver. I was never sure of what to do, but I would try my best. Each episode would be different and would show up unexpectedly. Even though I was scared, I had to try my best not to show it. I felt as if I had to be her rock. If I showed fear, I was afraid that she would breakdown even more. It is easier to forget your own worries when you are taking care of someone else.

I did not have an ideal childhood. I had to grow up fast. I believe that my experiences have toughened me up so that I could handle the situations that having a spouse with a mental illness has brought into my life. Without my dysfunctional childhood, I do not think that I would have had the strength to cope with all the difficulties that Jane and I have had to endure. It can be very draining and frustrating to see your loved one go through difficult times. When it comes to my wife, I would do anything.

Extreme Behavior

In a previous blog post, I wrote that I felt as if my experiences with bipolar disorder did not live up to the over the top descriptions that are portrayed in most autobiographies. I sometimes wonder if our "little stories" pale in comparison and that our readers would enjoy more engaging stories than we have been providing. Well, if you expect us to include a lot of drama, you will be severely disappointed. Our lives are not extraordinary. We do not have a bunch of those type of stories to share with you.

I do not go to the local grocery store dressed like a tramp shopping for a one night stand. I do not spend most nights alone crying in the back of my walk in closet taking swigs out of a bottle of vodka (or whatever kind of alcoholic beverage that would considered to be appropriate for this type of occasion). I do not sit sobbing by myself on my cold bathroom floor with my pill bottles in my hands contemplating if I should stop taking my medication or empty the entire contents of each container into my mouth. I do not go to the casino betting the deed to my house on a hand of poker. And, I definitely do not drive around town at three in the morning looking to score an awesome deal on cocaine. I am not that type of person with bipolar disorder. If that is the kind of material you are hoping for, sorry, our blog will not live up to your expectations.

The purpose of our blogs is to be an encouraging source of information that will uplift others who are dealing with mental illness. Our intent is to inform others about bipolar disorder. Some of our blog posts cover very sensitive material. We share intimate details to emphasize the seriousness of the disorder. Our real life experiences are meant to be used to illustrate the hardships that bipolar disorder can cause in day to day activities and relationships. We have many stories to share. But, if you are expecting juicy gossip, you will not find it here.

My husband and I are not a perfect couple. We have struggles just like everyone else in a relationship. We are willing to share parts of our lives in order to make a difference in the lives of others. We are hoping that, through our words, we can help others understand bipolar disorder.

If you want to read a book about the extreme behaviors of people with bipolar disorder, you can go to the library. If you want to read examples of crazy living, you can go to the bookstore. If you want to read about what happens to people who refuse treatment or choose to go on and off their medications, you can go on the internet and do a Google search. If you want to read about a couple trying their best to deal with bipolar disorder with the use of knowledge, understanding, and love...you have found the right place.

Holding Back the Truth

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”

--Kay Redfield Jamison. An Unquiet Mind

This passage is from one of my favorite books. Kay Redfield Jamison is a Professor of Psychiatry at the John Hopkins University School of Medicine and one of the leading experts on bipolar disorder. Her book is written from the perspective of both a doctor and a patient. It describes her struggle with the decision to disclose her illness. She was afraid of the reaction from the medical community if they discovered that she had bipolar disorder. While conducting research, Jamison would often share her experiences claiming that the information came from anonymous sources. 

I have read many books and articles on bipolar disorder. Most are filled with dry statistical information with the causes, symptoms and treatment of the disorder while others are extreme stories of over the top behaviors that some people have experienced with the illness. While I went back and forth trying to figure out if I had the disorder, I did not know what to think. My behavior was not extreme like the autobiographies that I have skimmed through but yet, I could mark almost every item on the list of bipolar symptoms. When I read An Unquiet Mind, certain parts of the book brought me to tears. Finally, I found resource where I could relate to the material.

Many of her words echoed the experiences I have gone through in my life. The thing that stands out the most was her battle with the decision to keep her disorder secret or to share it with others. I have chosen to share my experiences with the world but sometimes I have doubts about whether or not I have done the right thing. I often wonder how it will change the perception that others have of me.

I like the fact that I can be free to be wild and crazy. My behavior and personality has not changed much since I started treatment. The free spirit is still within me. I wonder if having the diagnosis of a mood disorder will make other people think that I am a crazy freak. At this time, the stigma attached to mental illness is strong. I am not sure that people can get past the label.

In my experience, I have found that people are not very forthcoming when it comes to the issue of mental illness. No one ever comes right out and says that they have a mental illness or have a family member who has one until I disclose my information to them. It is as if it is a dirty little secret that they need to hide. That just perpetuates the stigma. I want to change that.

When it comes to many aspects of my life, I am honest to a fault and a bit naive. My husband is supportive of my decision to blog, but is afraid that I may encounter backlash from people because they do not agree with what I have to say. The only option that I have is to ignore the naysayers, but deep inside I know that I will dwell on the negatives instead of the positive.

One of the dilemmas I am going through right now is the content of my blog. How much should I share? Some details shall remain private, but am I being too personal? My experiences are not extreme. Should I exaggerate them a bit to make my blogs more interesting? Am I wasting my time? Are people actually reading my blogs? The list goes on and on as I second guess every decision. The only thing I know for sure is that I have to keep an eye on my swearing. 

Lately, the biggest concern I have had about my blog is wondering if it would be helpful or harmful when it comes to applying for college or employment. Do I disclose my blog during the application, personal essay, and interview process or do I keep it to myself? As of now, my information can be found on the first few pages of results if you do a Google search using the right combination of words. That's pretty awesome when you consider that I have been blogging about bipolar disorder for a little over a month. How many times I will be listed on the web by the time I apply for school at the university level. I have heard that employers and educational institutions search for information about prospective employees and students on the internet. I didn't consider that. Should I have started my blog in the first place? My original intention was to educate people about bipolar disorder and support others who suffer from the same condition. 

As I continue to share my experiences in my blogs, I will continue to question myself. I will just have to trust that everything will fall into place when and where they are meant to be. When I started, my main focus was to make a difference. I hope that I am off to a good start.

Work Cited

Jamison, Kay R. An Unquiet Mind. New York: Random House, 1995. Print.

Fighting It Out

Jane:  Over a year ago, my husband and I started a ritual of taking walks. As romantic as it may sound, these walks were actually quite horrible.

Nate:  Looking back, we say that we chose to have our arguments in a public place because with witnesses around, we would be less likely to yell and wring each other’s necks. 

Jane:  When we started our walks, I was in a major manic phase and I did not know that I had bipolar disorder yet. Two characteristics of mania are impulsivity and recklessness. 

Nate:  It was very difficult for me to set my feelings aside and try to talk some sense into her. She was in her own little world and I could not bring her back to reality.

Jane:  We would have heated arguments away from home because we did not want the children to know that we were fighting. During the over twenty years of being a wife and stay at home mom, I felt as if all my personal hopes and dreams were put on hold. At the time, I just wanted to be free and have some time for myself. I felt stuck. I wanted an escape. I thought I could just pick up and leave without a plan. I was willing to walk away and leave everything behind. 

Nate:  In the beginning, I was furious and felt very hurt. I didn't know where all this was coming from. She was beyond difficult and bent on doing whatever she wanted with no regard to me or our family. She wasn't thinking about the consequences of her actions, she only wanted to have things her way. She was on a road to self destruction.

Jane:  I admit that there was no talking sense into me. Through my eyes, I could not see that the things that I was saying and doing was such a big deal. I felt like everyone was holding me back.

Nate:  At the time I felt that she was not the woman that I had married. I knew that there was something wrong. She changed into a stranger almost overnight. I didn't recognize the person in front of me! During one of our conversations, I stood up and held out my hand. I said, "Hello, I don't think we've met. My name is Nathan. What's your name?" 

Jane:  While we were going through counseling the psychologist suggested that we get a divorce. Through all the crazy things that were going through my mind, I always knew that my husband loved me. Looking back, it pains me to know that I had treated him the way the I did. Even though I was combative and irrational, he tried his best to make sure I was happy.

Nate:  As part of our ritual, we would go to McDonald’s and I would get a caramel frappe for Jane. We'd park the car where we had a view of the water and watch the ferry sail between one destination to another. Sometimes we would walk on the beach.



Photo by Linda Zoe Masters

Jane:  During the day we would see the mountains and the Seattle Space Needle in the distance. At night, we would look at the lights of the Seattle skyline and watch the planes fly overhead to and from SeaTac.

Nate:  It does not matter what season it is, we still go for our walks.

Jane:  On crisp, cool summer nights the flowers are fragrant. We'd walk around searching for the smells. If it was cold, he'd offer me his coat. He still opens doors for me. Through all the things that we have been through he has always been a perfect gentleman, even while I was treating him badly.

Nate:  As a couple, we are in a better place. Now that we know that Jane has bipolar disorder, we discuss the things what we have learned and the steps we are taking to improve our lives. Through my reading I have learned that when dealing with someone with bipolar disorder in a depressive or manic phase, you are talking to the symptoms of the disorder not the individual. It took me a long time to understand that.

Jane:  We enjoy walking around our little town. On our daily walks we discuss many different things. Sometimes one of us will bring up a hot topic from the past. What started out as fighting has now changed. We no longer argue. We now enjoy each other's company. As we stroll along the waterfront we hold hands. My husband is not only the love of my life, he is my best friend. I am grateful that he did not give up on me.

Crazy Jane

While I was in high school a few of my friends knew me as "Crazy Jane". I was proud of the fact that I was a free spirit. I acted wild and over the top. My favorite pastime was saying and doing weird things. I liked to shock people. I was not afraid to make it known that I would do whatever I wanted and not let anything get in my way. I had my share of getting into trouble at school but that did not change my behavior. I spent countless times in the vice-principal's office or the counseling center to be disciplined. To say that I was rebellious teenager would be a major understatement.

It is not uncommon for children who have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) to actually be exhibiting the early signs of bipolar disorder according to a journal article published in European Neuropsychopharmacology. Go figure! That pretty much explains my childhood behavior. After my diagnosis, everything made sense.

Since starting my blog, I have had a hard time trying to be politically correct. There are only so many ways you can say bipolar disorder, mental illness, and my condition. In my attempt to not be offensive, I have been careful to avoid using certain words. Before I knew that I had bipolar disorder, I would use words and phrases like crazy-head, whack-a-do, coo-coo-ka-choo, psycho, and maniac. I found those words fun and flattering whenever I described myself. Why do I have to change the way I talk because I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder? Why does everyone have to tiptoe around those words in the guise of trying not to offend anyone who has a mental illness? In some cases, those words are true descriptions of the behaviors exhibited by some of the people with a mental disorder. I admit, some of those descriptions fit me to a tee. 

In high school, I loved listening to music. I would crank up the CD player then sing and dance along. Now, I am known to sing and dance down the aisles of the grocery store. My moods affect the music that I choose. When I am happy, the music is upbeat. When I am feeling low, the songs I choose would make anyone within earshot become depressed.

Adam Lambert is one of my favorite performers. His music reflects many of my feelings. Before I found out that I had bipolar disorder I loved his song "Cuckoo". After I receiving my official diagnosis, the song has more meaning than it did before I found out that I had bipolar disorder. It describes my feelings during a manic phase. I consider it to be my personal anthem.

Truthfully, I will continue to use these "bad" words within the privacy of my own home. I may or may not use the words in my blogs. I cannot guarantee anything. Some words do not have a substitute and my adherence to rules cannot be trusted. Since childhood, I have always been a little ODD.

Work Cited

Goodwin, Guy M., et al. “ECNP Consensus Meeting. Bipolar Depression. Nice, March 2007.” European Neuropsychopharmacology 18 (2008): 535-549. Academic Search Premier. Web. 11 Jan. 2014.

Am I Psychotic?

I have shared some very intimate details of my life. What I have to say may scare people away. I was not even sure if I wanted to share this information publicly, but since I have been honest about the experiences that I have written in all my other blogs, I may as well be consistent. Besides, I have always known that this subject would come up sooner or later. It is time to share one of my "scary secrets".

I am on antipsychotics. I am on it for the second time. Almost a year ago my doctor changed my medication from a mood stabilizer to an antipsychotic because he felt that I needed something stronger. I was scared. I thought that needing the drug meant that I was psychotic. He explained to me that the medicine would help me focus. It would remove the distractions around me so I could concentrate on the important things. One drawback was that the medication caused me to have anxiety so I needed a prescription to counteract the side effect. 

After a few months, I asked my psychiatrist if I could change medications. I did not like the way the antipsychotics made me feel. I felt as if I was walking through a fog. It was like being in a depression phase while I was on it. He told me that other drugs classified within the same category would have similar results but include more risks and side effects. I asked him if I could discontinue using the antipsychotic and return to using the mood stabilizer. Although, I didn't feel like my original medication helped much, I preferred using it because I didn't like how I felt on the antipsychotic. After some discussion he agreed. 

To my surprise, at a recent appointment I told my psychiatrist that I missed the effects of the antipsychotic. It helped me sleep and focus my thoughts. After a short discussion we decided that I would take the mood stabilizer, antipsychotic, and anti-anxiety medications at the same time. In my experience, the combination of taking all of the drugs together were more effective than taking them individually. 

It may sound counterproductive when you consider the reasons why each medication is used. One drug keeps me from feeling too low while the other keeps me from feeling too high. It seems like I am basically on an antidepressant and depressant at the same time. In my opinion, I feel that the doses I am currently taking counteracts with one another at the right levels. It helps keep my moods within the "normal" range.

During my first experience with antipsychotics the racing, overwhelming thoughts went away. When I stopped taking them, they returned. Now that I am on them again, my mind is quiet once more. When something that you were used to having in your life is no longer there, comes back, and leaves again...it makes it blatantly obvious that it was always there. As cliché as it may sound, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

Minimizing the Madness

When my wife Jane had a consultation with a psychiatrist, I went to the doctor's office with her. I planned to wait in the reception area while she talked with the doctor. When the doctor greeted my wife I was surprised that she invited me into her office, too. I was a little apprehensive because I did not know what the session would be like. I thought Jane might feel uncomfortable with me in the room and find it difficult to speak freely if I were there.

When the doctor asked us to sit down, Jane sat directly across from her and leaned forward as she answered the doctor's questions. I sat next to my wife and settled further back into the couch. It was my way of making myself less conspicuous and keep out of Jane's line of sight. Since this was her appointment, I wanted her to be the center of attention. I felt as if I was a fly on the wall trying not to be noticed.

At first, the doctor asked Jane basic patient history questions. When she asked why my wife was visiting her that day, Jane told her that she recently took an abnormal psychology course and felt that she might have bipolar disorder. She asked my wife more personal questions and wrote down Jane's responses on her note pad. It seemed as if she was marking off a checklist as she asked specific questions. She asked Jane about her sleeping habits, how she acted when she was happy, and what she did during her depression phases. After a few questions, I noticed that after the psychiatrist asked Jane a question, the doctor would look at me for my reaction. I would nod or shake my head as Jane shared her thoughts. Although Jane was honest, I felt that as she responded to each question she minimized the details about the situations most of the time.

Towards the end of the session the doctor asked Jane if she had anything else she wanted to say. Jane began to talk about her bad experience while taking Chantix to quit smoking. As soon as the psychiatrist heard the word Chantix she put her pen and notepad on her lap and her face lit up. The doctor asked more specific questions, mainly about her behavior while taking the medication. Jane answered several questions and began to cry. As the psychiatrist offered her a box of tissues, Jane explained that she had said some horrible things and treated me badly while on the drug. Jane was very upset. The doctor tried to reassure her that things would be alright. She pointed to me and said, "Look...he's still here".

It was about his point in time that I was worried that the doctor was going to say that there was nothing wrong with Jane and she was normal. Instead, the doctor confirmed that Jane definitely had bipolar disorder. She said that she had bipolar type II, but felt she was bordering towards bipolar I. Bipolar type I is the more severe form of the disorder.

Before we left her office, she asked my wife if she needed a sleep aid. People with bipolar disorder usually do not sleep very much when they are in a manic phase. Jane said that she did not need one. As the psychiatrist wrote a prescription for a mood stabilizer she asked about her state of mind at that moment and asked Jane if she felt like she needed an antipsychotic. They had samples if she wanted some. My wife's eyes turned big as she told her no.

Overall, we had a good visit with the psychiatrist. Our suspicions about Jane having bipolar disorder were true. We were happy to finally get a formal diagnosis. This was only the first step in her journey with knowing that she had a mental illness. As time goes on, there will be many more steps to take as she continues to learn about and cope with her disorder.

Dancing with Disaster

I have always thought I was a good dancer. I was the co-captain of the drill team during my senior year in high school. I even took jazz dance classes twice during my first year in college back in 1991. I would dance my heart out. I did well...when I was by myself. Stick a partner in the mix and all hell breaks loose.

During winter quarter of 2014, my husband Nate and I took a ballroom dance course at the local community college. We have always wanted to take a dance class together. It was supposed to be a bonding experience but I think it was more like a battle of wills. I am not trying to make excuses by blaming my performance in the class on my disorder. Well, maybe I am...but just a little. People with bipolar disorder have issues with memory, concentration, and attention span. Add medication to the list and a person can become clumsy and foggy. That is not a good combination while performing on the dance floor. It can be painfully hard on the toes.

I am sure Nate was frustrated. Our conversations followed a theme. "Where are you going?" "Stop anticipating." "Stop trying to lead!" At first I thought that it was because we were just bad dancers. Within a short time, I found that it was not true. He danced fine. I was the problem. When we switched partners I frustrated the other guys in the class, too.

The criticism about my dancing ability was bestowed upon me rather harshly. Because we were struggling, every once in a while the instructors would pull us aside. The male instructor would coach me and Nate would dance with his wife. The same comments that my husband kept telling me were echoed by the dance instructor. One time we were singled out to demonstrate a move. The female instructor commented to the whole class, "It would help if the lady knew her part".

During an individual dance lesson with the instructor's wife, my husband apologized for not being very good partner. She responded by telling him, "It's not you, honey". She suggested that he dance with other partners; someone who knew what she was doing so he could learn how the moves were supposed to be done. He responded by enthusiastically telling her, "Thank you!" Our classmates within earshot laughed. He felt validated. 

In the end, we both got 4.0s in the class. I don't think we earned the grade because of our awesome ability as dancers. I believe that we got it because we tried our best and we showed up to every single class. Maybe they felt sorry for us. The reason why we scored so high does not matter. In the future, we may even take the class again. 

Who knows? I am on different medications this time. I am in a better place in my head....it may help when we try again later. To this day, we still laugh about ballroom dance. I guess, in the end, it did turn out to be a bonding experience after all.

Traumatic Treatment Options

In the Spring of 2013, I took an abnormal psychology course at the local community college. While we were learning about mood disorders the professor focused on depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. He taught us about the different symptoms, causes and treatment of each disorder. Many treatments for these mood disorders overlap. I found the disorders to be fascinating but I will have to admit that I pretty much glossed over the treatment portion. Little did I know that the information would be important to me in the future.

After completing the course, I was formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder.I have an excellent psychiatrist. We have a good doctor/patient relationship. He is thoughtful when it comes to prescribing medication. He thoroughly explains how each of my medications work and we discuss the positive and negative side effects. At times I find it amusing because sometimes I already know what he is going to say before he even says it.

I won't bore you with the specific details. Medications include tricyclics, MAOI's (monoamine oxidase inhibitors), SSRI's (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), antipsychotics, major tranquilizers, and neuroleptics. Possible side effects are a compromised immune system, GI (gastrointestinal) problems, Parkinson-like symptoms, sedation, sexual dysfunction, stroke, type II diabetes, and weight gain of 5-40 pounds. When therapy and medication does not work, doctors resort to another form of treatment: electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).


I have never given much thought to the aspects that I have learned about the treatment of mood disorders. One day I came to a realization. I still shudder whenever I think about it. The forms of treatment that I learned in the abnormal psychology class are no longer just academic facts to me...
THEY ARE MY TREATMENT OPTIONS!

Mother Knows Best

Don't mess with a mama bear and her cubs. Mothers will not let anything harm her children. When it comes to the safety of her kids, her natural motherly instincts will kick into high gear. She will protect her young at all costs.

Almost a year ago I found myself in the emergency room. One of my sons had attempted suicide. He had confided in his brother who alerted us about what had happened. It was a struggle, but we convinced our son to allow us to bring him to the hospital. I was scared because I had read that one in five people with bipolar disorder succeed in ending their lives. I knew that his actions were serious because, to be honest, I made numerous attempts to kill myself in my youth. I knew that this was not just a way of getting attention; it was a plea for help.

When he was admitted to the hospital a social worker interviewed him. I told her that I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and that it was a hereditary illness. She dismissed the idea stating that she felt that he suffered from only depression. The social worker expressed that his behavior could be attributed to the normal behavior exhibited by adolescents his age. She suggested that we should follow-up with our family doctor and ask for a prescription for an antidepressant. When I told her about my concerns about antidepressants and bipolar disorder she recommended that we could ask for “mild” one.

Biting my tongue, in my head I was screaming, "Are you eff-ing kidding me! Seriously, are you that ignorant? Ms. Know-It-All, you have no idea about what you are talking about. I would never have known that I had bipolar disorder if it weren't for having a bad reaction with an antidepressant; it put me in a hypermanic phase. You do not arbitrarily give an antidepressant to someone who has a high probability of having bipolar disorder!”

Her suggestions did not sit well with me. I did not believe the stuff that was coming out of her mouth. For one, a general practitioner is not adequately educated when it comes to the field of mental health, especially mood disorders. Secondly, a doctor other than a psychiatrist will not regularly follow up with my child and know how to adjust any prescribed medications. Finally, I cannot guarantee that a “generic” doctor will be responsible enough to refer my child to a good psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in mood disorders. I will start my child’s treatment by finding a mental health professional of my choice, thank you!

No matter what she could say, it would not change the feelings that I felt within the depths of my soul. I know my children. I have researched my disorder extensively. That trumped any “expert” advice that she could have given me. My intuition said that she was wrong. She was wasting her breath by trying to convince me otherwise.

I am glad I followed my gut instincts. Soon after that event, my son went through a battery of psychological testing and interviews. He got an official diagnosis of bipolar disorder. After his diagnosis, I wanted him to start medication and therapy right away. At one of his first appointments he decided that he didn't need help, he just wanted a diagnosis. We fought in the car on the way home. I informed him about the high suicide rate associated with the disorder and reminded him of his trip to the emergency room. I started to cry. I told him that I did not want him to die.

It Runs In The Family

It is estimated that 5.7 million adults or 5% of the population, has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder according to the Statistic Brain website. I believe that there is a larger number of people with the disorder that are undiagnosed and are not represented in the statistics. How many others in the world are like me?

Sometimes I think that I must live in a small bubble where there is a large concentration of people who have bipolar disorder. Countless people have shared their experiences with me.Last summer, I did a presentation for my public speaking class. I asked if anyone in the class had bipolar disorder or knew someone else that did. To my surprise, several hands went up. Since then, many people have confessed to me that they, family members, or friends have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. There also have been many times when I define the disorder and share my experiences that other people think they see those symptoms in themselves or others they know. I advise them seek an official diagnosis from a mental health professional.

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) reveals that more than two-thirds of people with bipolar disorder have at least one close relative who possesses the condition or has unipolar depression. This suggests that bipolar disorder is hereditary. It also expresses that up to one-third of the 3.4 million children and adolescents in the United States with depression may actually be experiencing the early stages of bipolar disorder. 

One of my children has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Another one has issues with depression. Strange as it may seem, I find knowing about my condition is a blessing. It allows me to have valuable insight. I have the ability to observe my children for early warning signs. Bipolar disorder is a progressive illness and early intervention is important. I can empathize with what they are going through and help them understand the importance of treatment.

My child with bipolar disorder started therapy and medication. During treatment, he came out of one of the appointments early. He felt that he was feeling better and decided to stop taking medication and going to therapy. I was angry. I said that it was a big mistake. I warned him that the reason why he felt better was because the medication was working. While the drugs worked its way out of his system the moodiness returned. Once again he was aggressive, agitated, and irritable. After over a month, he admitted that he should have stayed on his medication and wanted to continue taking them again.

All my kids are just like me. Many times I wonder about the nature vs. nurture debate. Are they like me because I have modeled the behavior or have I passed down the illness to them? I know that I inherited my condition from someone in my family but I do not have anyone in my family history that has been formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My husband and I have our suspicions, but nothing that can be proven. We know for a fact that there is a history of mental illness on the maternal side of my husband's family. This increases the chances that our children will be affected with a mood disorder.

I will always question many things. Where did I inherit my condition come from? Which of my children will be affected? What effect will this have on our grandchildren and beyond? My husband and I will continue to have our discussions. I may never get the answers that I am looking for, but in the meantime, I will keep searching.

Works Cited

“Bipolar Disorder Statistics.” Dbsalliance.org. Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. n.d. Web. 18 Jan. 2014.

“Bipolar Disorder Statistics.” Statisticbrain.com. Statistic Brain. Jul. 2012. Web. 18 Jan. 2014.