"A Whole New World"

Over the past few weeks my five year old son has watched the Disney film Aladdin umpteen times. It is one of my favorite animated movies. In my opinion, Disney movies contain songs that are memorable.

"A Whole New World" from the movie is one of those unforgettable songs. I consider it to be a song about exploration: opening your eyes to new experiences, discovering the wondrous things around you and the exhilaration of trying to take in every sight and sound because you don't want to miss a single precious moment. In addition, it involves trusting someone to guide you in these amazing adventures.

Since I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder this song has changed its meaning from what I have felt in the past. I used to experience an exuberance in learning new things, following the brightest star and perceiving the world in a different light than those around me. Sadly, with my diagnosis, I have learned that my belief in the things that I found fascinating, the stars that I have been reaching for and my perception of the world were highly exaggerated; not realistic. The world instills the notion that everyone should reach for the stars and that anything can be accomplished if you only put your mind to it. On the contrary, if you have bipolar disorder your ideas are too big and your dreams too high. Since when is grandiosity considered to be a concept to be discouraged?

In the movie, Aladdin pretends to be something he is not. In my journey of trying to blend in to what society considers to be normal, I feel as if I am being deceitful. My actions are unauthentic. I am lying about who I really am; pretending to be someone else. Intellectually I know which decisions will lead me on the right path to recovery but in the depth of my soul it feels wrong. Even with medication and therapy, I am white knuckling my way through life. Due to the knowledge that I now possess, I know that I can't go back to where I used to be even if I wanted. 

I am lost. I am in need of someone to show me the way in the discovery of my new life. I desire something beyond books and the internet. I know that I have a supportive husband and a team of mental health professionals helping me find out who I really am, yet I feel a need for more. I yearn to have someone further along the journey of bipolar disorder to confide my fears, frustrations and insecurities. I long for someone with personal insight to take my hand and lead me; someone to tell me that what I am feeling is normal and everything will turn out fine in the end.

I wish that I could be a positive role model for those who suffer from mental illness. I want to inspire others and give them hope for the future. But yet in the end, I realize that I am unable to accomplish any of these goals if I do not have the answers for myself. 

Everyone Is Crazy Except Me

As an introduction, my name is Jane and I write a blog about bipolar disorder with the help of my husband, son, and daughter. When I started writing blogs I wanted to keep my posts inspiring and uplifting. I realize that dealing with mental illness is not an easy task so I try to find examples of hardships that a person with bipolar disorder experience. I do not deny that my writing does not cover the entire scope of what all people with bipolar disorder go through. I can only write about what I know.

This post will have to do less about bipolar disorder and more about mental illness in general. It is more of a rant about people who declare that they either have or do not have a psychological disorder. This post will be consist of my interpretations. Names will be omitted to protect the identities of the stupid. I will use poetic license; some details may be dramatized. In turn, please forgive me for not looking up the facts to support my ideas. Adding to this disclaimer, be forewarned that I will offend people, especially those who see these behaviors in themselves.


Bipolar Disorder
My first rant is about the people who casually use the word bipolar. I am not talking about the people who describe the weather in the Pacific Northwest (where I live) as being bipolar. A popular phrase that I hear often is, "If you don't like the weather in Western Washington, wait five minutes and it will change." Examples like that do not bother me. 

What does piss me off are people describing a woman as a "crazy, psycho, bipolar bitch". One time a guy used those words to describe his ex-wife. I told him that I was bipolar. He shut up real fast. He then started backpedaling making excuses to why he called her that even though she did not technically have bipolar disorder. I do not deny that there are "crazy, psycho bitches" in the world but I highly doubt that each and every one of them is bipolar.


Chemical Imbalance
"I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. It affects my behavior but I am not crazy. It is a medical condition. I do not have any psychological issues." I have to look up the definition of psychological disorders. Maybe my ideas about mental illness is totally wrong.


Phobias
A person comes running out screaming saying, "I saw a spider in the bathroom! I have arachnophobia. My fear is so bad, I refuse to use the bathroom ever again." I think that person is full of shit.

"I have agoraphobia. I cannot leave the house." That is until they have a good reason. Something important as going to a restaurant, visiting a bed and breakfast, or going on a shopping spree." Eating out because you are too lazy to cook? Needing a weekend getaway? Retail therapy? The examples of the way you deal with your problem is ridiculous. What other methods do you employ to manage your phobia?


PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)
First of all, I have to admit that I do not have much personal knowledge about PTSD other than a one hour lecture on the symptoms, causes, and treatment of this disorder in addition to watching a documentary during a psychology class. My knowledge of this disorder is very basic. One does not have to be a war veteran to have PTSD. It can also be caused by horrendous childhood experiences or being witness to some horrific tragedy.

One story of PTSD I have heard about is where someone who was in such a rage that she punched a mirror, saw her own blood, and had to go the emergency room to get stitches. She claimed that she acquired PTSD from the incident and whenever she sees her scars, it is a reminder of that traumatic incident. It makes her so angry that she wants to punch the person who wronged her in the face. Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not think that is an accurate example of PTSD. It may be another psychological disorder instead.

Others have also used examples of lesser circumstances and claim to have the disorder. I think to myself, "You've got to be kidding me...seriously...WTF?" If they indeed have the disorder, would they describe their experiences so casually and with such joy in knowing that they have something to add to the conversation? It makes me want to dramatically collapse onto the floor in desperation, look up to the heavens with my hands in the air and ask, "Why?"

When I hear such stories, it infuriates me. I believe that it is totally disrespectful to the individuals who legitimately suffer from PTSD. I think the casual use of the term is disgraceful because it takes away from people with PTSD because it minimizes the importance of their experience. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.


SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

"I have seasonal affective disorder. I cannot live in Western Washington because of it. I have to live in sunny states." My biggest question for her is, "Why are you moving back here for the third time if SAD is such a problem for you?" She must not have learned anything because she is moving back here despite her past experiences. The thing that comes to mind is the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

In conclusion, I just don't understand why people are quick to point out that they have a disability when it is convenient to them, but yet refuse to acknowledge that these things they describe is a psychological problem. They are probably in denial or do not understand the conditions they claim to have. Some of these people seem to be the type that self diagnose without getting their "illness" confirmed by a professional. It is probably a way of bringing attention to themselves because they want to show off or throw a pity party. I think these people are asinine.

Sex: The Bipolar Way

A dysfunctional sexual relationship is something that one has to get used to when with someone who has bipolar disorder. The nature of the disorder can encompass a wide range of feelings from depressive disinterest to euphoric enthusiasm when it comes to sex. The extreme ups and downs from depressive to manic sex can be confusing for the partner involved with someone with bipolar disorder. The constant hot and cold response the partner receives can be frustrating. They feel rejection during a depression phase. Then their partner's incessant craving for sex during a manic stage can be more than they can handle. The erratic changes are difficult to predict. The mixed signals from one day to the next can be hard to decipher.

When someone is in a depressed mood, sex is the last thing on their mind. They can be detached and uninterested with intimacy. The person may not want to be touched in any way. The individual may feel unattractive if they haven't showered, brushed their teeth and hair, or have barely any energy to do anything else but hibernate for many days in a row. Wearing the same frumpy clothing for several consecutive days does not help one feel sexy at all. A loss of sex drive is a common occurrence when someone is in a depressive state. They may as well be wearing an invisible chastity belt. This disinterest can be discouraging to the partner of someone who has bipolar disorder. It can cause them to feel rejected. They may question their own attractiveness and desirability.

On the other hand, hypersexuality is also one of the symptoms of having bipolar disorder. During a manic phase, the feeling of sensuality is high. Sexual intimacy takes on a whole new meaning. Provocative outfits are donned. Anything racy, naughty, or even nothing at all will do. Sexual encounters during mania can put the most erotic movies to shame. Sounds may rival the wild, primitive noises from an episode of Animal Planet. When a predator stalks its prey, there is no escape. The person with the disorder can seem insatiable. Desire drives them to achieve their goal of sexual satisfaction at any cost. Seduction can make sex hard to resist for the recipient. Conversely, it can be difficult to keep up with the appetite of their sexually charged partner. As a defense mechanism, if they are used to having long periods where they receive nothing at all, the person without the disorder may feel that they need to take advantage of the sexual jackpot in order to make up for the times of drought.

The introduction of medication to the bipolar relationship can alter level of sexual desire. If both partners are used to manic sex, the loss of the over the top sex drive and activity can be disappointing to both of the people involved. Trying to adjust to intimacy that is normal can be a letdown; especially after experiencing extraordinary encounters for many years. It can be a major struggle to adjust from the higher level of intimacy of the past to decreased desire and performance of the present. Although sex may calm to a normal range, it is not uncommon for the bipolar partner to lose sexual desire altogether depending on the medication they are taking.

The intimate details are different for every couple. How is our sexual relationship? Let's just say that we have seven kids, I gave birth to them all, and we all know what has to happen in order for them to get here.

Life With My New Wife

Nate:   I have seen many positive changes in my wife since she started taking medication for bipolar disorder. Everything is not perfect but we are in a better place than where we started. I expect that our relationship will have its up and downs just like every other relationship but our struggles are a little different.

Jane:   The last time I saw my psychiatrist he thumbed backwards through my file until he got to the beginning. He told me that I have come a long way from the first day that I stepped into his office. He said that I used to be all over the place. I consider that to be his polite way of saying that I was a hot mess.

Nate:   Even though I have not met Jane’s doctor, I agree with him. I am glad that we are on the same page. He prefers a one-on-one approach when it comes to treatment. She usually gives me an update after each appointment. When she told me about what he said, it made me laugh. I know exactly what he means.

Jane:   At every visit my psychiatrist asks me specific questions. At some point in the conversation he will ask me how Nathan feels about my progress. He uses the information to gauge whether or not my medication is at the right level. There have been many medication adjustments.

Nate:   With each change, some parts of her behavior improve but sometimes she has setbacks and the dosage and type of medication has to be adjusted. I expect that it will take a few more times in order to get the right mix. As her condition progresses and her body gets used to each stage of medication, her dosages will go up or stronger medication will be used. It has been a journey of trial and error.

Jane:   I try my best to follow my doctor’s orders. My treatment seems to be coming along smoothly. Although I have improved, in my opinion, I am still a hot mess. From the outside it may appear that my behavior has improved, but inside I still feel like I am discombobulated.

Nate:   On a tangent...since we started our blog we have had a competition to see who could use the word "discombobulated" first. We are very competitive. Jane won this time. We need to think of a new word.

Jane:   I think that he let me win. Either that or he forgot. Back to our original subject...

Nate:   There have been many changes in our relationship. Some days are better than others. We recognize the progress that we have made and are able reflect on different parts of our lives. While we understand that there is still room for improvement, we tackle each challenge one day at a time. 

Jane:   One thing that remains constant is that I take my medication consistently. Since I take my pills at night it is not uncommon for me to forget and go to sleep. More than once, I have pulled all-nighters studying for college and I have forgotten to take my meds even though Nate has set them out for me on the nightstand with a glass of water. Now he makes sure that I take my medication everyday by preparing it and watching me take them. 

Nate:   Each night we joke about it. She tells me that it is time for her crazy meds. When she looks at the pills in her hand, she often says, “I wish I did not have to take these.” Even though she would rather not be medicated, she understands the importance of taking them. Sometimes I feel as if I am her drug dealer.

Jane:   Even though I got my diagnosis of bipolar disorder over a year ago, I just started seeing a psychologist. He asked me why I decided to start therapy. I told him that I needed help adjusting to becoming "normal". Truthfully, I do not know what "normal" means or whether or not I like it.

Nate:   She has come a long way since she started taking medication. For a while I have been suggesting that she start therapy. A psychologist would help her make sense of the changes in her life. Medication alone can only take you so far.

Jane:   Medication has changed me. I have told my doctor that I have become serious and boring. Many times I have asked my husband about the differences in my personality, mood, and behavior. I often wonder whether he likes the new me. I am afraid that he will not want me anymore because I am no longer the person that he married.
 

Nate:   After her diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I expected that there would be changes in her behavior. When she started taking medication I accepted that our lives would be different. I tell her that she is the same person she has always been, just without the extreme mood swings. I am here for her and do not want anyone else in my life.

Jane:   Even though he tells me that, I am still looking for reassurance. I feel insecure about how my behavior will change our marriage. I fear that he would end up falling in love with someone else that is more like the woman I used to be. He responds by taking hold of both of my hands, looking into my eyes, saying that he will love me no matter what, and kissing me on the forehead.

Nate:   I understand that she feels vulnerable. Even though we have gone through this ritual over and over again I do not mind reminding her that I will always love her.

Jane:   The other day I told him that if he did find someone else who was more like the old me, she would probably have undiagnosed or untreated bipolar disorder.

Nate:   If that happened, I would end up back to where I started. Been there, done that. No thank you!

Jane:   We laugh at the irony.

The Bipolar Advantage

Before I knew that I had bipolar disorder I considered myself to be a quirky, fun loving, and highly motivated person. I never thought of myself as mentally ill. It was only from reading an abnormal psychology textbook while going to college did I discover that I had the symptoms of a psychological disorder. Before that time, I went through life thinking that I was unique. I loved feeling that I was like no other. I embraced my differences. To me, it meant that I was special.

If I would never have taken that class, I would have gone though my life blissfully ignorant believing that I was extraordinary. Instead, having the label of bipolar disorder bestowed upon me has stifled my zest for life. I was told that my behavior was abnormal and I needed to be medicated. Medication has changed my outlook on life. I do not feel the euphoria of mania. I no longer feel the release of the pain I felt by overcoming a depression. The parts of myself that I valued most have been taken away. It is deeply painful knowing that I had to destroy the attributes that made me exceptional in order to blend in with society. Normal is boring. I do not find the same joy in life. I miss the old me. The experience of losing what I consider to be the "real" me is heartbreaking. I am devastated. I wish that I could go back in time.

While in college I wrote a formal research paper on bipolar disorder. I concentrated on the benefits connected with having the illness as much as I could. The following few paragraphs are edited excerpts from my paper. 

Tracy Pedersen's website article "Benefits of Bipolar Disorder?" described a study where some individuals experience positive effects with having bipolar disorder. Researchers investigated evidence and reported that some people value certain experiences associated with the disorder and would prefer to retain their condition. Some of the aspects of this illness can be considered highly valuable attributes in some people. The ability to achieve at high levels of success is extremely rewarding. One of the participants declared, "It's almost as if it opens up something in the brain that isn't otherwise there, and I see color much more vividly than I used to...So I think that my access to music and art are something for which I'm grateful to bipolar for enhancing. It's almost as if it's a magnifying glass that sits between that and myself." Some people believe that positive benefits could be acquired from the low points as well, such as having increased empathy for the suffering of others.

In her book, Touched with Fire, Kay Redfield Jamison, Ph.D. cited many works of people throughout history who suffered from bipolar disorder. She described work from numerous famous people, both literal and visual artists. According to journals and medical records at the time of their lives, she showed the likelihood of the person having the disorder and how their moods affected their personal and professional lives. She documented their productivity and quality of work depending on the state of mood they were experiencing during the creative process. Artistic temperament can be closely associated with a characteristic of manic depression. “Another argument set forth against an association between ‘madness’ and artistic creativity is that a bit of madness and turmoil is part and parcel of the artistic temperament, and the artists are just more sensitive to life and the experiences of life than are other people.” (90) Some of the famous people that were mentioned are poet Edgar Allan Poe, writer Charles Dickens, and artists Vincent Van Gogh and Michelangelo.

In her article “Is There a Bright Side to Bipolar Disorder?” Madeline Vann, MPH described the advantages of bipolar disorder that are considered to be appealing to those who have the condition. These characteristics include productivity, confidence, charm, euphoria, and insight. Productivity is often caused by manic episodes which allow the individual to have higher energy and need less sleep. This often increases the likelihood of burnout. Confidence in oneself during manic episodes increases which allows them to believe that they have the ability to achieve goals that are often unattainable. As their self confidence grows, their energy increases, and they become more outgoing and charming. This allows them to be the center of attention, “the life of the party”. Euphoria describes the feeling of joy and excitement about life. When they’re in a manic state, the awareness and experience of life is enhanced to such a level that it is exaggerated. These feelings also create a perception of increased intellect and insight. Although there are many disadvantages associated with the illness, some patients risk the negative effects by discontinuing treatment because they miss the positive aspects involved with the disorder. The article illustrated the reasons why some people choose to deny medical intervention.

In a journal article published in BMC (BioMed Central) Psychiatry, Susanne Gibson and her colleagues analyzed the reasons why over half of the participants in their study did not follow treatment recommendations. It documented the reasons why many people with bipolar disorder chose not to follow medical advice. Patients may choose non-adherence or unintentional non-adherence to treatment as prescribed because they felt that they were “better”, did not like the side effects of medications, or felt that they needed more energy to complete tasks and that skipping medication made them feel more alert. Non-adherence leads to relapse of the illness that can cause serious side effects, including suicide. Individuals were willing to risk the negative aspects because they enjoyed the perceived positive experiences connected to the illness. Furthermore, patients viewed the short-term results of not taking their medication as prescribed more important, rather than the long-term effects of non-adherence.

The majority of information found about bipolar disorder is negative, but there are many positive attributes that can manifest from having the disorder. Many refuse medication in order to hold on to the creative aspects of the illness. Some people consider having bipolar disorder as a gift. I am one of them.

Works Cited

Gibson, Susanne, et al. “Understanding Treatment Non-adherence in Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder: A Survey of What Service Users Do and Why.” BMC Psychiatry 13.1 (2013): 1-12. Academic Search Premier. Web. 18 Jan. 2014.

Jamison, Kay R. Touched with Fire. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993. Print.

Pedersen, Tracy. “Benefits of Bipolar Disorder?” Psychcentral.com. Psych Central. May 2012. Web. 23 Jan. 2014.

Vann, Madeline. “Is There a Bright Side to Bipolar Disorder?” Everydayhealth.com. Everyday Health Media, LLC. n.d. Web. 23 Jan. 2014. 

The Naked Truth

A couple of weeks ago, I told someone that I had a blog about mental illness. When I told him that my blog was about bipolar disorder he was eager to talk about it. He told me some things that sparked my curiosity. His story reminded me of the other stories that I have heard in the past. In my head, I made a connection between nudity and mental illness.

The young man told me that his father struggles with bipolar disorder. He said that during a manic phase his dad will run around their neighborhood naked. It seemed that this was a common occurrence. The neighbors understood his condition. People would chase him down, throw a blanket over him, and the family would take him to the hospital.

While I was going to the local community college, I told a friend that I had bipolar disorder. My diagnosis was new and I was still learning about my condition. She gave me some advice and we talked for over a hour about the quirks of having bipolar disorder. She told me stories about her young adult son's odd behavior. She said that her son was arrested for wandering around the street naked. I thought it was strange but didn't doubt that something like that could happen.

I know someone who was reported as missing a few years ago. The family called the sheriff's department for help because has schizophrenia. Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia are both mood disorders with many of the same symptoms and behaviors. The story made the local paper. When he was found, he was naked.

I can only think of one story of personal public nudity. I went skinny dipping at a local lake one summer while I was in high school. I took off my bikini top and bottom and swung them around lasso style above my head while in the water. As fun and shocking as it was to do that in front of a bunch of people, afterwards it was not such a good experience. It was difficult trying to get my bikini back on while trying to stay afloat. I tried my best to keep my private parts under water. Thinking about it today, I suspect was probably in a manic phase.   

I did a google search using the key words "bipolar disorder nudity" and there were many results. It seems that mental illness and nakedness is not uncommon. Some accounts attributed public nudity as a result of lack of inhibition. Some talked about feeling free without the restriction of clothing. Another source claims that running around nude occurs during a delusional episode. 

Is nudity considered to be a sign of mental illness? Just because a person lives a nude lifestyle it doesn't mean that they are mentally ill. Nudist colonies, nude beaches, flashers, public event streakers, exotic dancers...all those people can't all be crazy. Maybe they are a bit deviant, but not mentally ill. I think that in my case, I can say that I am a little of both. 

photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/jefharris/1552783357/">Jef Harris</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

A Gal's Best Friend

Before you start reading this blog post, I have something to admit. Right now I am in a depressive phase so this post will be shorter than usual. Yes, you can be medicated for bipolar disorder and still get depressed. It is also true for the opposite stage. You can still be manic on medication also. The meds stabilize your moods so you don't feel the extremes, but you still feel emotions.

The thing that baffles me the most is that I feel this way for no apparent reason. My ups and downs sneak up on me. I don't need a reason or life circumstance to cause my mood swings. It just happens.

I have no control of when each emotion will arrive or which one it will be. The feelings come knocking at my door like unexpected guests. I never know which emotion will stop by unannounced. Sometimes I am happy to see who is on the other side of the door. I could be surprised by winning the Publishers Clearing House Million Dollar Prize or a neighbor may drop by with a plate of delicious homemade cookies. Sometimes it could be someone selling religion or an overly priced vacuum cleaner. I don't know who is there until I open the door. Sometimes I welcome the visitor in with a sincere smile and other times I want to yell obscenities and slam the door.

For the past week, I have spent most of my time in bed. If I am not taking a nap, I invite Ben & Jerry to keep me company while I lay in bed. When they are no longer around, I spend some time with Hershey and he offers me Hugs and Kisses. My husband does not mind when they come to visit. He knows that they offer me the type of therapy that nothing else can offer. Sometimes, they are the best visitors that a gal can have in order to get through the rough times.

My Fact Finding Mission

While I was trying to understand bipolar disorder I found information from many sources. It was overwhelming and confusing trying to sift through everything. There are many types of places to find information on bipolar disorder. Some are more reliable than others. In this blog post, I will discuss books, blogs, forums, and websites about bipolar disorder.

Books can be great resources for learning about bipolar disorder. I have checked out several books from the library over the past year. There are many books available that can help you understand the condition and how to cope with it. The books that I find most useful are The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know by David J. Miklowitz, PhD and Living with Someone Who’s Living with Bipolar Disorder: A Practical Guide for Family, Friends, and Coworkers by Chelsea Lowe and Bruce M. Cohen, MD, PhD. The books not only provide important facts about the illness, it also discusses the importance of education and coping skills. The subheadings and question-answer format makes it easy to find specific information. I have checked these books out from the library many times and I am considering purchasing both books in the near future. 

One of my favorite resources for bipolar research is blogs. They are good at giving information about other people's experiences. I like the way that blogs explain things in simple terms that make it easier to understand. This genre of online information provides examples of real life situations that books do not necessarily cover. The personal insight from individuals with bipolar disorder and the people who are close to them is a great way to identify with what others are going through. 

Forums about people who have a loved one who has bipolar disorder are interesting. They tend to be full of raw personal stories, juicy details, and drama. Even though some forums are very helpful, most of them can be negative. I found that some perpetuated the stigma of mental illness. I felt that the people who complained the most on these forums were people who did not take the time to understand bipolar disorder. They were usually involved with an individual that was not compliant with their medication and/or going to therapy. Unless both parties involved takes an active role in understanding what is going on, there is little chance that the relationship will improve. It is rare that I visit those forums anymore.

When I began looking for information on the internet, I found many websites. Some of the most reliable sources that I found were from National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI), National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), and Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA). These websites were based on facts not opinion. I recommend .org and .gov websites.

In conclusion, there are many resources about bipolar disorder. Some sources are more reliable than others. In my opinion, knowledge is the best tool when dealing with bipolar disorder. The individual with the condition and the people close to them will have more successful relationships if everyone involved are educated.

photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/dlee13/14143888895/">Daniel E Lee</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>