Riding the Waves

In life, there are surprises around every corner. Living with someone with bipolar disorder, you have to be prepared to adapt to the constant changes of their moods. I have learned that having a loved one with bipolar disorder can be a rough ride, but it has its rewards. 

When my wife is in a manic phase, I find some of her antics to be very endearing. Her excitement can be contagious. She becomes the life of the party because she is chatty, charming and funny. I remember nights when we would stay up late just talking and joking around with each other. We could talk about almost anything and find it funny. We would laugh so hard that we could barely breathe and have to wipe the tears from our eyes. Sometimes it would be something as simple as saying words or phrases that rhyme. We would take turns trying to one up each other. It was almost like a game. As the night would progress, each additional comment would get more hilarious and ridiculous. Those are the fun times.

She would become full of energy and often start new projects. She would create wonderful things.When she comes up with ideas she becomes so focused that she does not want to stop for anything. The task she is working on cannot be interrupted. She would work around the house or do special projects until the wee hours of the morning. She would rarely stop to take a break. When I would wake up the next morning, she would have had only a couple hours of sleep or be just crawling into bed after being up all night.

But then again, there were times when she would be very overwhelmed. The thoughts and ideas would run through her head so quickly and it would be hard for her to stay focused. Sometimes she would have to lie down and close her eyes because the racing thoughts were too much. As fatigue set in she would become confused and forgetful. This would lead to anxiety and frustration. She would become easily irritated. Her temper would become short. She would become angry and irrational. Over the years I have learned to stay clear of her when she got to this stage. Nothing can be said to her that would smooth things over. It was easier just to leave her alone and wait until she came around.

After the energy wanes she usually falls into a depression and spends most of her time in bed. This can last for days, weeks, or months. I have learned to cope with her depressions. I’d try to make things easier for her. I would get her books to read or puzzles do by herself while I was at work. When I was at home we would spend time in bed watching movies and playing board games together. The children and I would cook the meals and do the work around the house. I would try my best to motivate her to shower and get out of the house. Most of the time, I was unsuccessful.

I was used to her cycles and knew that she would eventually come out of her depression if I waited it out. I would get caught off guard when her mood would switch back into mania. She always seemed surprised that I could not keep up with the changes. It always takes me longer to adjust and catch up to her. These moods would come in cycles and we are never quite sure when they would change. Each and every episode is a little different so it is hard to know what to expect. They are usually mild and do not last long. The lows she experiences are more frequent and longer lasting than the highs. 

Since her diagnosis, she has tried different medications that help stabilize her moods. Although she still feels the highs and lows, it is not as extreme as it was before she was medicated. As we learn more about her disorder, it makes it easier to cope. We are now learning how to adjust to our new lifestyle. Life has become much easier.

The Freedom to Feel

Just over a year ago, I took an abnormal psychology class at my local community college. It was a very big deal to me. You see, I took the class over twenty years ago but dropped out of school before I could finish the course. Through the years, I have always had a strong desire to go back to school and retake the class. When my chance arose, I quickly grabbed the opportunity. I took the course with the same instructor. Although, I believe that I would have gotten a lot from the class if I took it when I was barely 20 years old, I know with all my heart, soul, and being that I have gotten more out of the course at THIS time of my life than I would have during THAT time. Everything happens for a reason. The life lessons that I have acquired in the years between those college experiences have been a blessing.

The diagnostic criteria and information that the psychological community understands about bipolar disorder has changed during those two decades. In that span of time, I have had the opportunity to gain more life experience. If I would have learned about the details of my disorder at that young age, I would not have had the insight and personal revelation to see the symptoms within myself. I am able look at my life and acknowledge the experiences that I have exhibited in my past through mature eyes. With my newfound insight, my past experiences take on a whole new meaning; because of that, my life has finally started to make sense.

Revisiting all the different stages of life in my mind, I have come to appreciate every manic phase. The creativity, euphoria, and having all my senses heightened; I feel all emotions deeply, I see things with brightness and clarity, wonderful smells are enhanced, I hear beauty in all the sounds that surround me, tastes and textures are amazing, the feeling of the sun on my face or the breeze from the wind are invigorating. Even the depressive lows hold significance. The powerful sadness, the gut-wrenching feeling from a good cry, and the extreme darkness I feel with such passion; it is an intense release to give in to those feelings as well. 

I would not be that same person I am today if I have never felt those experiences.Yes, I will be the first to admit that there is more to bipolar disorder than the pretty picture that I have described.My psychology instructor has a saying. “Your perception is your reality.” Even if my condition is considered to be abnormal, I see beauty in my experiences. I feel as if I have received a gift. Throughout my life, I enjoyed feeling all my emotions with such intensity. Through my eyes, I am normal.

Being Honest Can Be Brutal

           The term bipolar disorder scares people. The stigma associated with mental illness can be attributed the misconceptions of most people. They are uninformed about the facts and make assumptions. Some people use words such as crazy, maniac, and madness to describe bipolar disorder. This can cause negative reactions and fear. I have been guilty of this myself.

I have been known to put myself into situations where my mouth has gotten me in trouble. I consider myself to be honest when it comes to sharing my thoughts and opinions. More often than not, I will blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind. Sometimes the things I express are meant to be funny but it usually comes out as inappropriate. I am not trying to be hurtful.

While sharing my diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I have mostly received love and support. I have shared my story with many people through facebook and in person. I have spoken to friends and strangers. I feel the need to inform everybody that would listen about the facts about my disorder to help alleviate the stigma. I want to show others that having bipolar disorder does not mean you are a monster. I look normal, just like everyone else. My whole mission in sharing my story is to put a real face to a disorder that most people don't understand.

On the other hand, I have also left myself open to criticism from others. When I write, it comes from my heart. In sharing my story, I have given people access to my innermost thoughts and feelings; I have left myself vulnerable and open to be hurt. I am aware that there will be people who will not agree with my opinions or with what I have to say. I know that I should just let the negative comments roll off my back.

The biggest criticisms have come from family members; they either ignore it completely or enthusiastically declare their opinions about something they know nothing about. I do not need my personal truth to be negated. I do not believe I have an illness that can be prayed away. Yes, I feel that I have a proper diagnosis and need medication. I know enough about my condition to feel that I am doing what is best for me, despite your disagreement. I am proud that I am going to school and have a goal to become a psychologist. Yes, I know becoming a psychologist will take years. I do not agree that I am wasting valuable time in school instead of in the workplace; you have a right to your opinion but it does not make mine wrong. Yes, I realize that you think that the field of psychology is a load of crap. And yes, I would make an excellent psychologist, but not because "it takes crazy to know crazy".

I am sure I will hear worse things as time goes on. Anonymous people will disagree. People will question the validity of my statements. Others may tell me that I am not authorized to write about what I know to be true. I may get my facts wrong once in a while, but this is about my experience. I do not claim to be an expert of a reputable website. I will continue to share my story hoping that I am helping at least one person out there understand their disorder or the disorder of a loved one. I only wish that other people weren't so judgmental.

My Struggle with Starting Medication

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist last month. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I suspected that I had the illness so I studied it. After my research, I expected the news so it was not surprised. 

Bipolar disorder, formally known as manic depression, is a mood disorder. A person with the disorder experience extreme mood swings between depression and mania. Most people are familiar with the term depression. I like to refer to it as depressions because there is more than one type.

There is unipolar depression (what most people are familiar with) and bipolar disorder. Unipolar depression has one pole (a unicycle has one wheel) and bipolar disorder has two poles (a bicycle has two wheels). Imagine that those poles are at an extreme distance from each other. 

A person with unipolar depression would stay at “one pole” and experience moods that are low such as severe and chronic sadness, feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness, lethargy and a lack of energy or motivation. 

The other pole is OPPOSITE of the first. It displays inflated self esteem, decreased need for sleep, racing thoughts, increased goal-directed activity and excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences. This is considered to be mania. 

A person with bipolar disorder experience phases of mood swings between the poles, the lows of depression and the highs of mania. Individuals without the illness do not exhibit the extreme shifts in mood.

The psychiatrist prescribed me a mood stabilizer. I don't want to take them. I consider the manic stage euphoric and intoxicating. The doctor told me that when I am on medication the manic phases will go away. The feelings and behavior during a manic phase is not normal. People would not consider it to be a big deal because they haven’t experienced mania. 

If I started medication I am afraid that I will feel numb. Imagine being high on life and suddenly someone tells you that those feelings were abnormal and dangerous and that you need to be sedated. Goodbye to the euphoria and the excess energy. Those feelings are from the disorder, they are not you.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I've always prided myself in being fun, spontaneous, carefree, a bit wild and crazy at times. I don’t know who I will be once I start my meds. It has taken me a long time to accept myself for who I am. This is the only “me” I know. What if I don’t like who I become? I don’t want to feel like a shell of the old me. I feel like my identity is being stripped away. And I’m really scared of losing myself.  Will my hopes and dreams fade away?

It took a few weeks before I filled the prescription. Countless times I would hold the bottle in my hands and stare at the label as I contemplated if I even wanted to take it at all. The decision to begin medication was tough.

Making Sense of it All

My name is Nathan. I have been married to Jane for over 17 years. I have always known that my wife was unique. At times she could be creative, upbeat, and full of energy. She would always think outside the “proverbial box”. Then there were times when she would lose all her enthusiasm. She would struggle to get out of bed for weeks. These cycles were a normal occurrence for her. We were used to it and dealt with it year after year.

About the end of December of 2012, my wife made a goal to quit smoking for the upcoming New Year. She felt she was finally ready to give up cigarettes and her doctor gave her a prescription for Chantix. Sometime in mid-January, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night. She told me that the medication was messing with her head and that she needed to get off it. “It was taking her to dark places”. I immediately got out of bed and flushed them down the toilet. The drugs were expensive, but it did not matter. For several nights, I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning searching the internet, looking for anything that talked about the side effects of Chantix. My first encounters led me to discussion boards about people who had loved ones that had bad experiences taking Chantix. There was a reoccurring theme that kept coming up on every discussion board I visited online. It kept talking about people with bipolar disorder and how the medication messed them up. Every time the subject would come up, I would move on to the next link because my wife was not bipolar. I knew she could be wild and crazy at times, but she was not “CRAZY”. I did not understand what bipolar disorder was and I dismissed the idea.

Chantix Sucks, n.d.

After quitting the medication, her thoughts continued to race and her ideas were way over the top. She acted like she was invincible and could do anything regardless of who she was hurting in the process. In all the time I had known Jane, I had never seen her act that way. She was completely irrational. Even though she was only on the medication for a few weeks, her behavior stayed that way for months. 

In March of 2013, I decided to see a psychologist due to all the stress at home. I needed to talk to someone. I gave the psychologist the run down. I explained that my wife was normally a nice, thoughtful person but I felt that she seemed to have changed into someone I did not know overnight. I told him that I loved her and that “she wasn’t normally like this”. When I asked him if her medication could be the cause of all the chaos, he assured me that “Chantix is a wonder drug” and that it would not do that. At the end of the appointment he asked me if I needed anti-anxiety medication or antidepressants because I was so stressed. I told him that medication was the last thing I needed. Eventually, I stopped seeing him.

I continued my search for answers online. While I struggled to figure things out, Jane decided she wanted to go back to school. She took an abnormal psychology course. While taking the class she learned about bipolar disorder and felt that she might have it. When we finally learned the facts about bipolar disorder, all my research made sense. We always knew my wife had her ups and downs, but didn’t know the cause. Now we know that Jane has a mental illness and we have discovered that there is a name for it. 

Image Cited

ChantixSurvivor. Chantix Sucks. Digital image. Chanixsucks.com. Word Press, n.d. Web. 15 Jun. 2014.

Finding Out About My Condition

I have been considering starting a blog about my life for a long time. My name is Jane and I have bipolar disorder. I believe that I have a story to share that can benefit others. I have shared my story within my own little world and feel it is time to share my personal insight with a broader audience.

I will start my first blog post with a discussion board assignment from my human biology class about “Drugs on the Brain”. I have combined multiple posts and edited them for clarification. My personal journey to self-discovery about bipolar disorder began with trying to quit smoking.

Chantix

Chantix (Varenicline) was once used as an antidepressant and was rebranded because it was found to have a positive effect on smoking cessation. Antidepressants are sometimes prescribed to help ease the negative feelings associated with quitting smoking. Studies have shown that quitting smoking can cause depressive behaviors in individuals because of the loss the pleasurable effects of dopamine caused by nicotine withdrawal.

It is common knowledge that prescription drugs have negative side effects. Numerous commercials, magazine advertisements, and package inserts for many medications warn to consult a physician if a patient has a history of depression, experiences a change of mood or behavior or thoughts of suicide. The main concern regarding these side effects is that often times, these medications are prescribed to individuals with undiagnosed bipolar disorder.

 

Cleveland Clinic Foundation, Aug. 2010.

Antidepressants raise dopamine levels and can worsen symptoms of bipolar disorder, causing a manic episode. Manic behaviors include poor judgment. This may manifest in risky or negative behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse, gambling, poor business or investment decisions, and spending excessive amounts of money that they do not have. One in five individuals with BP commits suicide; it is theorized that while in a manic state they make serious mistakes. When they come down from their "high" and crash into depression, they feel guilt and think that death is the only answer. About two-thirds of people with bipolar disorder smoke; it is suggested that they self-medicate with nicotine to regulate their moods. Pfizer, the company that manufactures Chantix, was forced by the FDA to issue a black box warning about the effects of their drug on bipolar disorder. Currently, there is a class action lawsuit against Pfizer due to the negative side effects caused by the drug, including wrongful death.

In late December of 2012, I began taking Chantix to quit smoking. I was undiagnosed bipolar. By mid-January, Chantix started to drive me crazy. I quit taking it, but the effects lasted for months. My husband started going to a psychologist to seek counseling because my behavior was affecting our marriage. He mentioned that he thought that Chantix was the cause because my symptoms manifested shortly after I started taking the medication. His psychologist told him that Chantix was a "miracle drug" and it could not possibly be the reason for my change in behavior. After our first visit as a couple (the session did not go well), the P-Doc called my husband on the phone, implied that I was "a b*tch", and suggested that he should leave me. We stopped seeing him.

I had just turned 40 and interpreted the experience to be my midlife crisis. I decided to go back to college because I felt like I had to do something positive with my life. I took an abnormal psychology class during spring quarter of 2013. Although the professor warned us about "medical student syndrome" and to avoid thinking that we, or someone we knew, had any of the disorders we were learning about, I diagnosed myself with bipolar disorder. When the instructor informed us about the role of dopamine and its effect on the bipolar brain, I had an "a-ha moment".

I used to think that I was not truly depressed because my depressive episodes were short lived. I blamed it on seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and postpartum depression (I have seven kids so I was pregnant often). I would often think, "I can't have depression, I am too happy!" It is now clear that the periods of time that I was not in a depression, I was experiencing the stages of normal mood or mania. My manic episodes where mild (hypomania). When I took Chantix, it sent me over the top into hypermania. Reading the symptoms of bipolar disorder, I could easily make excuses and justify my "bad" behavior until I took into consideration the effects of Chantix and how it affected me.  I got an official diagnosis by a psychiatrist in July of 2013.

It still makes me shake my head when I think of the psychologist's ignorance regarding the effects of Chantix. I learned this information in a community college psychology course. The doctor is a professional. When I talked to my psychiatrist and other psychologists about the situation, they tell me that when my husband mentioned Chantix, it should have been a red flag. A HUGE ONE!

I know that there is stigma regarding mental illness. I don't mind sharing my story. I find it empowering. I want people to understand that bipolar disorder is just a mood disorder. Before I educated myself about the subject, I thought people with bipolar disorder were a bunch of crazy psychos. Information is a powerful tool. I graduated from Olympic College on June 15, 2014. I want to further my education and either get my Ph.D. in psychology and start my own private practice or research mood disorders and its effect on the brain.

Image Cited

Khalife, Sami, Vivek Singh, and David J. Munzina. “Bipolar Disorder.” Clevelandclinicmeded.com. The Cleveland Clinic Foundation. Aug. 2010. Web. 23 Jan. 2014.