Friday, July 31, 2015

A Love, Sorrow At My Hands

On the topic of relationships, in specific reference to being bipolar. As most of you are probably aware by now, the ups and downs of my state of mind can negatively affect any manner of intimate interaction. My family, friends, now ex-girlfriend have all suffered at the hands of my unstable psyche. And even though I have what one could qualify as an excuse; when it comes down to the wire behavior is a CHOICE. Different aspects of bipolar interaction can tax relationships and that depends largely on the dynamics of the former. Some might find the depressions of their partner or family member to be draining, a buzzkill, a killer of intimacy we all desire. I mean really, who wants to be with someone like me? Who for the longest time didn't want to go out on dates with the woman I loved, or do the things that I used to before I was medicated like rub her back or write poems, massage her feet and make her feel loved in the way she had become accustomed. This is surely a hard thing for a partner to live with, hard pressed for a smile or kind word like I couldn't summon the emotion to do so. A shell of a man.

Mania is a wonderful thing, being unmedicated made me the life of the party, drew many people I considered friends and was what drew women to me. The "honeymoon phase" that exists early on in a relationship was on my part intense, powerful and irresistible. However this creates an unrealistic expectation as I can not keep up this "real ruse" forever. When I am manic the sex is amazing, I'm spontaneous but as with anything everything comes with a price. The anger, oh the anger. I don't know if it was at myself or really at the other person, life maybe. This, is the apportioned fault that caused all the strife in my life and is why I feel alone... Even with all the love in the world for me, how can I expect to receive the same affection and unconditional love with such abuses of the heart. We can only take so much.

From suicidal attempts to feeling in the stars. And... well, nothing in between. What my experiences have taught me in painful fashion is that people like me and even people we consider normal, suffer the consequences of their actions. Those we do, and those we don't. Damned if I do, fuck if I don't. We all have to make choices for the ones we love because without them we are cursed to watch everything disappear in a wisp of smoke. And the hardest thing is knowing it is all your fault and seeing them with the realization you don't deserve them back. I will say it again, life and what we do, how we treat other people is a choice. I hope we all make enough good ones to still be loved. So ends this entry, and another chapter of my life.
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