Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Being Bipolar Ruined My Life! For Now.

Having bipolar disorder has affected my life in many ways. One of which is in the planning and follow through of my goals and aspirations. I have had so many things I've wanted to do from being a doctor, professional boxer, actor, model, even a rapper. The first thing I want to address is that thinking of occupations I would like to have is easy for me. Even planning the progression to achieving those designations is a simple task. But when it comes to picking one to stick with it becomes near impossible.

Now on to mania's effect on my goals. When I'm manic I simply can't choose, the thoughts race, I can be anything and everything in the world. I waste all my time sitting in a stupor contemplating for hours as to what I will do. When I pick, which doesn't last long, I train intensely and plan every last detail. I'll be doing 40 rounds on the punching bag (equilavent to 3 and a half championship fights) and 2000 situps and 500 pushups a day respectively. People see my potential and throw opportunities at me and it all seems like I'll be an icon.

Then comes the depression, as it always does. Instead of filtering through all the things I could dominate at, I feel too inadequate to even think I could do that stuff. Instead of a full mind I have an empty one. I do twenty sit-ups and quit and punch the bag for 30 seconds and feel heavy and tired. From using 315 lbs in the squat rack to only lifting 150. Then those around me are upset at my squandering of my talents and potential I displayed for any respective venture. 

Could I have handled the stress of success anyway with my fragile psyche? I don't know. But what I do know is again I think I've found my niche and will pursue it. The issue is that consistency is key and if bipolars lack one thing it is definitely that. We will see as time passes and more opportunities present themselves. 
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