Thursday, October 23, 2014

Lithium And Lightbulbs

Progressive... for me that means it's going to get worse. Bipolar disorder is by definition a progressive illness and I surely don't wish to be worse than I am. I don't even want to be as unstable as I am right now! But, it didn't dawn on me until today when I was telling my parents that i'm happy i'm not on hardcore medication and doses did I get my reality. Turns out I WILL be on those meds one day; it's progressive, i'm going to be a fucking wreck one day and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I fear for the day when I will have to struggle with that demon inside me just for the most basic sane interactions with those I love. To prevent lashing out or staring at the cliff with an ever creeping desire to thrust myself off of it. As of today I already contemplate, and it scares me. Once this get's worse will I have the willpower to resist? A shell is what i'm trying to escape becoming, when i'm no longer a person and just a combination of my bipolar reactions. Studies are starting to show a correlation between those with bipolar disorder and a "thinning" of the frontal lobe which influences mood, decision making and general social interactions. If that's not a physiological illness I don't know what is. Even if it really is just literally "in my head". 

What will happen when that frontal lobe wanes just a little too much? What of Me will remain...
Beyond that I fear, yes I fear; for those medications I will one day be on. Already I hate the emotional effects of the drugs I have to take. So many things are uncertain. What will Lithium and Depakote do to me. I told my parents that i'm happy that I don't need them, and the thought that one day I will, and in high doses, haunts me. I don't want to be so uncontrollable that i'll need severe chemical suppressing. Will it even be me? I don't want to take my own life or hurt the ones I love. But introspectively if I am no longer who I want to be mentally, and I can't change it, shouldn't I just pull the plug? I. Don't. Need. Lithium. 
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