Monday, September 15, 2014

Swinging Back and Forth

Hello, it’s me again, Alicia. The 13 year old that is crazy over fruit bowls. This time, instead of writing about my day, I’m going to be writing about how I feel. And my favorite place at my house, my swings. You probably don’t get it. Well, anyways, this blog is supposed to be about being bipolar or about bipolar disorder. I just feel like writing about how I am, cause it might help me let out my emotions. So yeah.

Usually, I go to my swing set that’s a little bit off ways from my house, and my parents are wondering why I always go over there. My mom thinks I go over there just to talk to myself, but she’s partly right. I normally swing, listen to music, and overthink everything.

I don’t know if bipolar disorder has to do anything with this, but I get stressed, like right now as I type. I like to draw. When I draw, I have a goal, but I always mess up. I rip out the piece of paper, crumple it in anger, throw it under my desk, and hope no one finds it. If they do, I’d just probably smile and say, ‘Oh, just a little mess up, y’know’. I am always thinking of ways to lie and just brush it off and forget about it.

That’s getting off the point never mind.

I swing to get away from people. It makes me feel free and open. I don’t have to hide anything. I always hate having to come back in the house, but then It makes me happy when I feel the warmth of people being in there other than the cold breeze and openness of outside.

Being bipolar. It confuses me. I don’t know what to do. If I think about one thing, I have to over think it. I realize what would happen if I’d go through with it. There’s always two answers. Stay quiet and just let things happen with a smile, or stop it and get punished for it. I never do the latter, because I’d be scared that people are going to push me out, hate me, and never want to invite me back into their circle.

Later on I’ll always be angry at myself thinking, ‘Why didn’t I do that? I’m stuck with them now..’

‘Because you didn’t want to be a kicked puppy’

‘That’s probably right, but I despise them.’

 ‘You can’t change it now or everyone will hate you.’

‘Maybe it’d be better that way’

Every time I do that latter, my ‘other side’ would be content, but would want me to stay away from others and keep them out. But this was always at school, so I’d still have to talk teachers if I was called on and be happy. I’d forgot about being cross with everything and let everyone back in for a while before the ‘thing’ would repeat. Trying to push everyone about, but fail.

It’d make stress build up for me. Causing me to want to swing and forget about everything. It’s like I’m in my own little world. I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore. I just kind of want to say I’m tired of repeating everything.

I want one thing, but the ‘other me’- (Ye, let’s call it the other me.) – wants another. It tears me apart and confuses me to where I can hardly breathe and think. I can’t escape it.

As I write this, I’ve already forgot what I have previously typed up.

Just typing this makes me feel better, but it’s like I’m on autopilot as I’m typing these words, My mind is drifting off to my other thoughts. (Like dancing giraffes or that sort of thing.) Currently I want to go to the swing so I can escape, but my stupid electronic is charging. I can’t swing unless I have music. Or I’d probably freak out from the silence.

Oh, where have I gone wrong? I don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s getting hard to breathe; I should probably stop typing this because my parents are going to read this.

The other me is probably going to be angry with me since I am suffocating right now. But when I swing, I’ll be alright.


(My head hurts.)

photo credit: <a href="">27147</a> via <a href="">photopin</a> <a href="">cc</a>
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