Wednesday, August 27, 2014

To be, or not to be... miserable.

My name is Tim and I am a contributor to my parents blog. This is a post about me. More about my relationship really. My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now, and its taken that long to realize that even my decision making process is bipolar! Allow me to expound on that. We all know by now that those with bipolar disorder (me) experience intense and sudden mood episodes and shifts. Being in a relationship brings about an abundance of choices to be made (where to go to dinner, what to eat, when to leave, who to invite, etc.). I almost always refer to my significant other to make those decisions because honestly I can't make up my mind for the life of me. My mind is too cluttered with my manic buzz to concern myself with such trivial things, or maybe there just isn't room for any of it. Or, conversely when I'm depressed I literally don't have the brainpower to process such simple decisions. In a way I guess it makes me feel emasculated knowing that I defer to her for all my choices.

It frustrates her that I don't take charge as much as I should and that she always has to choose. You know I feel bad about it but honestly there isn't shit I can do. Now for an anecdote, and this is really just a generalization of a series of situations. Earlier I talked about my mind being to cluttered or weak to make simple choices. Now we'll talk about how my actual moods manifest in the process. My girlfriend and I went to the local mall and visited Barnes and Noble for a book she wanted and after I wanted coffee. Coffee in a bookstore? Not even a choice! So we stood in line and I felt that buzz in the back of my head I have whenever I'm manic. Which means I'll be happy and energized or, pissed off and brooding. So in line just waiting, then I say I don't want coffee. She says "Okay, you sure?" I of course stand by my statement and walk away but she being smarter than I simply waits there knowing I'll change my mind. But I get pissed and insist we leave. Once she catches up I get mad and say I want coffee so we get back in line, the process repeats and eventually I work my way to the car and we leave the complex. After 10 minutes of driving I pull my "I wish I had coffee." and I get my way or refuse again.

Imagine how infuriating that is! It makes me mad too. Imagine throughout your whole life, letting your stubbornness and mania or depression fuck up all your choices and in the end you could have chose between a fun beach day, a night at the casino, or a family BBQ and house party later. Nevermind that, I can do all of them! Wait...you end up in your room, pissed off and you don't do ANYTHING. Content with not doing any of the things you wanted to do and excluding yourself. Being excluded sucks but excluding yourself and hours later hating yourself and crying because you didn't get to do anything is truly crappy. Not only do I screw it up for myself I muck it for all of the people that enjoy my company. So please don't believe for one second that I don't want to hang out with you mates. I'm just having too much fun not deciding and enjoying my misery. Because even though I hate it with a passion, it is my passion.
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